Why Trans people don’t stay
More than a decade ago, a very good friend of mine at work came out publicly as a transwoman. Her name is Angela1. She told those people closest to her first, trusting slowly and with great patience. I cannot recall my specific reaction to Angela’s news, but I know that it brought along a feeling of rightness about her that had always been out of alignment until that moment. Womanhood fit her. I took that momentum and ran with it, never needing to look back.
Angela sent her pivotal email out to the entire workforce on a Friday and showed up the following week as herself - long hair, a very feminine outfit, makeup. Angela struggled, but the work culture around her changed slowly. Our company had no policies to support her back then. She paved new roads for those of us to come later.
Angela was not alone, though. There were others. There were many.
Where did they go?
I’ve worked for the same employer for over twenty years. That’s a long time to spend in any relationship, especially one involving money. It goes without saying that I’ve known a handful of folks who are transgender, out or otherwise. So when I found myself learning about my own transness, I thought of them. I thought of Angela. I thought of their presence, their struggles, their hardships, their victories. And I immediately realized a couple of core things.
Thing #1, of all the trans people I had met over the years, most of them left within about a year of coming out as a trans person.
Thing #2, a huge majority of those who remained were transwomen. Not transmen.
Transgressing gender boundaries
Gender transgressions are categorized differently depending on your assigned gender at birth (AGAB). Many of us who were declared female were allowed to wear boy’s clothes without enduring public humiliation. We could wear skirts and dresses or jeans and cutoffs, and we rarely heard feedback that was negative. AFAB (assigned female at birth) bodies are given an enormous breadth of clothing options, options to express our gender, options to explore. This isn’t to say that we don’t hear criticism, but that’s a topic for another day.
AMAB (assigned male at birth) bodies are given a completely different set of rules. They are not encouraged to wear dresses. They’re criticized, humiliated, attacked, or beaten2 for expressing any part of their gender that’s considered “girly” or “feminine.” Toxic masculinity requires that any behavior outside the norms of what society dictates belong to men makes you “less of a man.” Worse, it feeds into homophobia, playing on fears of being perceived as a gay man. And the rules don’t stop there. Most modern parents revel in the STEM options made available to kids, and all of these efforts push AFAB kids to participate to break the boundaries and stereotypes that have kept girls and women out of science and technology education and careers. This is great. It’s awesome.
But has anyone considered telling their AMAB kid that they should consider nursing? Or teaching? Or clothing design?
When Angela came to work on that fateful Monday morning in a feminine outfit with her long hair, nails done, makeup on, she was sending a very clear signal to everyone around her that she was a woman, and that she wanted to be perceived and treated as such3.
I’m making my friend’s transition sound easy when I know it was (and is) not. That’s not my intent. She endured bullying and inappropriate comments, laughter, ridicule, and more that I don’t even know about. But in the moment of creating an image that makes things clear (in this case, dressing in a very feminine way), she had the ability to flip a light switch, and it was up to management to enforce the rules around people respecting that. This is certainly not the case for many transwomen in the workplace.
If, as an AFAB human, I have always been permitted to wear clothes from the boy’s or men’s section of the store, what do I do to signal to others that something about me has changed? Should I paint on a mustache? Grow taller? Mansplain loudly? What are my signals to the world to indicate that I want and need them to see me in a different light?
Testosterone works slowly on the body. It lowers voices in a pace that jumps from a crawl to a leap and back again, it gives you the delight of peach fuzz on your face (and, ahem, elsewhere) but no real beard for an intolerably long time (if ever), and its other changes happen just as glacially. Top surgery is expensive and certainly not something everyone can get immediately. Bottom surgeries are an even more difficult topic. Pronoun t-shirts are great, but I can attest to how well they DON’T work at directing people how to address you or speak about you in the third person within earshot. [And on that note, wearing a t-shirt with your pronouns emblazoned over your chest prior to top surgery draws attention to the one thing you DON’T want people staring at, even if you’re able to bind.]
Just how many transpeople are there anyway?
Are there fewer transmen than transwomen in the world? Could it be that the numbers simply aren’t the same? There are a few interesting papers on this particular discrepancy between MTF and FTM populations4. One notes that the prevalence of FTM has increased over the last 25 years to something close to a 1:1 ratio with MTF. Others disagree with this assessment and demonstrate that ratios are different in different countries. Some studies are getting better at showing nonbinary numbers in there as well, though not all nonbinary individuals identify as transgender, which adds a layer of complexity to studying these populations. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen data collected on folks like myself who identify as both transmasculine AND nonbinary.
Some even posit that based on the limitations of gender expression for boys, couldn’t it stand to reason that more AMAB folks feel compelled to declare a transgender identity and pursue transition than AFAB folks who can express such things as masculinity with far better social acceptance? Or does that imply that identifying as transgender is a choice? Similar to one “choosing to be gay,” it could be argued that an AMAB person “electing” to be a transwoman is opening themselves up to a lot of violence, rejection, and judgement by society, so that hypothesis seems like a stretch.
In terms of how transitioning can affect our bodies, is it possible that transmen (after a period of time) can actually ‘pass’ or ‘be stealth’ in a workplace more easily than their transwomen counterparts? Surely there are trans people in my line of work who I don’t even know are trans.
But if I don’t leave, then how do I stay?
It's impossible not to take this information as a warning. Should I consider leaving my job? Should I look for a different company, a different line of work? Maybe use the college degree that’s gathering dust? What would it look and feel like to start a job after a period of physical and emotional transition where I could simply be accepted as who I am without all the backstory creating interference?
Fast forward beyond those early moments of transition, and after months of work, colleagues, managers, family, and friends still get my pronouns wrong. Along the way I’ve been asked invasive questions, inappropriate questions, ridiculous questions5.
Are you going to have ‘the surgery’?
Are you going to ‘get a willy’ now?
Is your wife going to leave you?
What took you so long?
But wait, didn’t you birth kids? How can you be trans if you birthed kids?
Why would you want to give up being a woman?
Why aren’t you changing your name?
What medical procedures are you having done this year?
You know you’ll never be a real man, right?
But isn’t your wife a lesbian?
What do you mean you’re nonbinary? Then why do you want he/him pronouns?
Doesn’t testosterone just make you aggressive?
Are you doing this because you just want to be a straight man?
Can’t you just be a butch lesbian?
Let’s talk about boundaries. I’m not going to say that I’m bad at creating boundaries. I’m not. But I’m learning. It takes a lot of willingness to keep going when things get hard, and many of us get worn down by life along the way.
When I initially came out as trans to my boss – they were overall receptive to the news – not everything was handled well. Others responded in a range of ways from congratulating to purely objectifying and fetishizing me openly. I tried to talk to my most important coworkers and colleagues one-to-one, but that got exhausting. Coming out is such hard work, and doing it over and over makes it both easier and incredibly tiring. And when things in my physical workspace deteriorated, I ended up contacting HR and the EEO office at work for help. They gave me guidance on crafting a department-wide email to announce my change of pronouns. It was helpful. It was clearly the right thing to do. But also, it was othering and exposing and made me feel so vulnerable that it spun me into a very serious depression.
To make matters worse, I was subjected on several occasions to meetings or gatherings that specifically called out my transness and placed me at the center of the conversation to either speak on behalf of the trans community or to provide guidance to colleagues on how to handle trans acceptance in the workplace. That’s not my job, and it should never have been an expectation that I’d willingly take on that role at work. And I know that I am not the only one who has been treated this way.
“More than one in four transgender people have lost a job due to bias, and more than three-fourths have experienced some form of workplace discrimination. Refusal to hire, privacy violations, harassment, and even physical and sexual violence on the job are common occurrences, and are experienced at even higher rates by transgender people of color. Many people report changing jobs to avoid discrimination or the risk of discrimination.” (Nation Center for Transgender Equality)
Research published in this article at McKinsey Quarterly found that:
Transgender adults are twice as likely as cisgender adults to be unemployed.
Cisgender employees make 32 percent more money a year than transgender employees, even when the latter have similar or higher education levels.
More than half of transgender employees say they are not comfortable being out at work. Two-thirds remain in the closet in professional interactions outside their own companies.
People who identify as transgender feel far less supported in the workplace than their cisgender colleagues do. They report that it’s more difficult to understand workplace culture and benefits, and harder to get promoted. They also feel less supported by their managers.
Transitioning careers, transitioning culture
I have given a lot of consideration to leaving my current job, to finding something comparable elsewhere. I’ve got great skills, I’m organized, I’m dedicated, and I interview well. The years are catching up with me, but I’m not so old that starting over is impossible to think about. Combing through the listings of openings feels like a logical move, and so I have scrolled and searched and clicked on things that look like “maybe this” or “that could fit.”
But then I pause. How will I be perceived in an interview? Will anyone see my facial hair? Will they respect my pronouns? What sort of policies and support structures do other employers provide? Are there other trans and gender diverse employees working there? Why am I taking this huge burden on myself? Am I even ready to change jobs or start a new career? Will I regret jumping for the Next Best Thing without taking my time to really prepare?
Oddly, this feels similar to the presidential election in 2016. Some folks felt like abandoning ship and leaving the United States in favor of literally anything else. After all, when your country votes for a president who is a hateful misogynist, a tax evader, a racist… why stay?
Back then, as now, I am the person who says, I stay because this is my country, too. I stay because I am patriotic. I stay because some things are worth fighting for6.
This is worth fighting for.
I am worth fighting for.
Workplaces don’t change because things are comfortable and going well. It happens because someone screws up. Because I’m uncomfortable and others are, too. Because laws change to support people like me. Where I live and work there are good policies and laws. I have protections and rights here. I have support systems. Others advocate for my rights. This is a good place to be. Maybe I should stay in my job to shift the culture around me, to be an eventual success story. Leaving is also activism, especially if I am honest in my exit interview7. No one should endure a culture of hostility and unacceptance. No one should have to teach their boss about their own gender policy in the workplace. No one should be harassed or belittled, discriminated against, or isolated.
Why should you hire a transperson?
Give me a moment to pitch this just right. What is it you’re looking for in an employee? Dedication? Organization? Great communication skills? Trustworthiness? Trans people devote hundreds or thousands of hours of unpaid work to find support networks, to research insurance coverage, to comb through legal documents and statistical findings all for the purpose of convincing the gatekeepers of the world to let us live with the quality of life we deserve. We know the laws; those that support us and those that do not. We learn how to be persuasive. We demonstrate compromise. We understand the importance of both transparency and confidentiality. We’re keenly aware of the costs of loss, personal and professional.
Most of all, we’re human, and we deserve to be treated with kindness where we work8.
If you’re an employer (or a manager) who is thinking about how your company handles transgender and gender diverse employees, you owe it to yourself to check out this article by Tim Murphy. It highlights some very important considerations, such as…
Establish policies for gender inclusion before you think you need them. After all, you may already have gender non-conforming or transgender employees who are not comfortable being out at work. I can attest to the power of such policies. My own employer published a policy on gender inclusion which was pivotal in my decision to come out publicly. While these policies might not embody perfection, they offer an important starting place for conversations around how to improve and how best to support your workforce.
Don’t use your trans employees as tokens. Please don’t expect us to be the singular authority on trans issues. We cannot be. Don’t place us in the center of a meeting and ask us to help others learn to accept us. Don’t use pictures of transgender employees as photo-ops to demonstrate how great your company is in hiring us. When talking about us to others, don’t refer to our deadnames or prior gender presentations (I cringe even writing this) to show how you “accept us now.”
Really think hard about bathrooms. Workplace policies should guarantee that employees may use the restroom which best suits their gender identity. Some employers are creating access to gender neutral restrooms. Others may have single stall restrooms that can be made available easily. Bathrooms are stressful. Help us manage this stress.
Bottling up all the thoughts about my current job, hunting for a new one, and all that it entails is difficult for me to write about. I’ve written and rewritten some parts of this post a dozen times already, but nothing removes the sheer vulnerability in admitting that I am a transgender employee who has been through some terrible things. I am not alone.
And this is why the others left.
My voice is but one amidst a world of transfolx, and the one thing this world needs more of is our voices.
I have not yet decided to stay or to move on. For now, I’m building this space to tell stories, to create a community of others like myself, and to ask allies to join us. I’m so happy you’re here to be part of it.
Your trans friend,
Robin
Your voice is part of this. I’d love to hear what you think.
Names of individuals have been changed to protect their identities. Other characteristics that could identify them have been removed or changed.
“Transgender people are over four times more likely than cisgender people to experience violent victimization…” UCLA Williams Institute. The report, “Gender Identity Disparities in Criminal Victimization: National Crime Victimization Survey, 2017–2018” appears in the American Journal of Public Health and is co-authored by Andrew R. Flores, Ph.D., Ilan Meyer, Ph.D., and Lynn L. Langton, Ph.D., and Jody L. Herman, Ph.D.
This deserves another entire post, but the gender binary is still confining for many transgender folks. Not all transwomen want to wear dresses and makeup, and they should not have to in order to be recognized and accepted as women.
It’s worth noting that all of the data collection regarding population numbers and gender identities of trans people involves a self-selected audience. This means that the accuracy of the data may always be in question based on who elected to participate, how safe participants felt in disclosing information, and how the information was collected (e.g., the question wording in a survey). Not all surveys are created with this in mind, which means not all data is comparable.
GLAAD has some great tips on their website to help folks who may be new to the concept of talking to, or working with, trans and gender diverse individuals.
Also, lots of other countries are struggling with racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and other big issues.
Wait, does anybody still do exit interviews??
Side bonus, many of us have great senses of humor.