This is so sensitive and so helpful. I hadn't heard of actual 'funerals' but it makes sense of an awful conversation we had with a very close family friend who suggested to my son that he might be grieving for the 'loss of his brother' (his trans sister). My son's reply was, 'She's not dead!' For me, the difficult aspect of my adult child's transition is constantly fearing for her safety in such a hostile world -- it's this that crushes the joy she deserves.
Your fear is the part of you that wants to protect her, and that's not a bad part. I think it can show up as "I'm afraid of you being trans," which isn't what we're really scared of, and we don't want our trans family members to deny who they are or be something they are not. But it's completely fair to be scared of how the world treats trans people, and most of the time we don't have those fears until they apply to someone we love.
Joy and fear don't cancel one another out. They can coexist, even when it feels awkward.
PS, your son sounds like an awesome person, which tells me he's a lot like you.
Robin, you have be absolutely in tears over here. This is beautifully written and rife with raw emotion and truth and I just want to say thank you for sharing this vulnerable part of yourself with the rest of us. You've touched my heart ❤️.
A general comment for those who might be "struggling" with a relative or loved one who has come out as trans. My experience has been that trans people tend to come out to two groups of people, some they trust and some that they simply can't keep hiding their identity from.
If you're in the second group, you're more likely to be struggling. As you're struggling, realize first that it is your struggle,not theirs. Secondly, I'd encourage you to think about how you will be viewed in the future. You might feel that you have some influence and that may be the case in the short-term but if you try to engage in some sort of negotiation regarding who they are, how they present or any other essential element of their humanity, I can guarantee that those efforts will not age well.
How would you respond to someone trying to negotiate away (that's what it always is) some important element of who you are? You'd likely recognize that at least at that moment that their support was contingent on your hiding some key element of who you are.
Work through your own insecurity, your own embarrassment, your own bigotry. Don't expect your trans loved one to make your world safe. That's an impossible exhausting fools errand for both of you. And as Robin suggests, join a support group for friends and family.
Shayne, yes to all of this. I love your ask to "think about how you'll be perceived in the future." That's so thoughtful and wise.
I do think some folx just need more time to adjust, but that is time that should be spent on their own work, not on badgering their trans loved one. Most of us have done plenty of work to get through imposter syndrome already. When we come out, it's because we're ready to stop pretending.
Too often, it seems that the expectation is for us to do other people's emotional labor. That's not just unhealthy, in the long run it's not possible.
Part of a relationship is a two-way exchange and I don't mind listening to a friend who is making a sincere effort to understand both themselves and me.
I get transphobia. I've dealt with my own. I also get trans joy. The further I get away from the phobia end of that continuum, the less I am willing to go back there. It's just not how I want to spend my time.
This is so beautifully and sensitively written. I am the parent of a trans child, and it is an absolute honour to be her mother and to be by her side while she navigates transition. It would be false of me to say, however, that it doesn't bring up it's own complex feelings for me to work through. I loved this piece!
Your honesty and willingness to listen through painful, breaking sort of discomfort is the kind of "how very human" that is rare these days. I appreciate how it can be a journey, too, to come to a place of readiness for this. You offer all your communities so much, Robin. We're so fortunate to have you.
This is more of a question than a comment Robin. How do you as a transgender person feel about the constant attacks by Nancy Mace on individuals like yourself?
Inside voice answer? What a mean, ugly little human she is. She must really loathe and despise herself to be so vile to Sarah McBride and every other trans woman she is around. While I pity her insecurities, I will waste no time giving her more attention than she's already gotten. As Ariana put so succinctly, "thank you, next."
I would think that the speaker could shut her up. She is rude and talks over others and interrupts others. Maybe he is afraid of her. Mostly she reminds me of the bully on the playground in grade school.
Trans man or trans woman, the goal seems to be to erase us. You get treated like you don't exist and I get treated like I'm responsible for all of societies problems in the hopes that I'll no longer be able to exist.
Not going to happen for either of us. People underestimate our strength.
I walked into my bank today and immediately in front of me was this maga idiot with a shaved head covered with tattoos. Huge "punisher" tattoo taking up the whole back of his head and American flags covering his entire leg, etc. you get the picture. MAGA T-shirt. Pound and proud.
My first thought was "oh, great!" and then he turns around and starts to give me what I suspect was his attempt at a disapproving look. I've been in this situation a lot more often that he has and I know that they're almost all cowards at heart and that if I stare him down he's going start looking at his shoes, his phone, the exit, lint he just found in his pocket - anything.
I actually had a great time making this guy squirm for at least 15 minutes. Bottom line, we're a hell of a lot stronger than these idiots think we are. It sucks that life has toughened us up but before coming out, I couldn't have ever imagined standing up to someone like this (and his glances over his shoulder in the beginning were clearly his not being able to let me just exist).
They absolutely want to erase us. And... Where would we go? We're everywhere. It's just silly to think we will all somehow disappear or hide ourselves away. I'm done hiding. I may not be brave or strong, and I'm certainly not tall enough to scare anyone off, but I'm resilient and stubborn as hell, and I'm here to hold my ground.
I honestly think that the good, kind, decent people in this country outnumber the hate-filled ones. We're just quieter most of the time. And now we need to learn to speak up.
Good for you Shayne. All these creeps feel emboldened because of that orange clown. God, I can't believe we have to be stuck with an absolute idiot for 4more years.
Thanks so much for sharing this 360-degree view of your experience at the SOFFA meeting (and beyond), Robin. I love the idea of going to listen and learn and respectfully contribute as a trans person. It's such a gift to be able to hold space for self and other around the complexities of gender identity (and damn hard). So much wounding has come from the rigidity of gender conditioning in our culture.
You're right, that conditioning has been hard on all of us. Some of these things we experience are so full of hurt that it can be hard to want to listen while we're tending to our wounds. And that's okay, there's always time to come back later.
This is so sensitive and so helpful. I hadn't heard of actual 'funerals' but it makes sense of an awful conversation we had with a very close family friend who suggested to my son that he might be grieving for the 'loss of his brother' (his trans sister). My son's reply was, 'She's not dead!' For me, the difficult aspect of my adult child's transition is constantly fearing for her safety in such a hostile world -- it's this that crushes the joy she deserves.
Your fear is the part of you that wants to protect her, and that's not a bad part. I think it can show up as "I'm afraid of you being trans," which isn't what we're really scared of, and we don't want our trans family members to deny who they are or be something they are not. But it's completely fair to be scared of how the world treats trans people, and most of the time we don't have those fears until they apply to someone we love.
Joy and fear don't cancel one another out. They can coexist, even when it feels awkward.
PS, your son sounds like an awesome person, which tells me he's a lot like you.
Robin, you have be absolutely in tears over here. This is beautifully written and rife with raw emotion and truth and I just want to say thank you for sharing this vulnerable part of yourself with the rest of us. You've touched my heart ❤️.
Thank you, and you're welcome. I really hope all of my cis friends and allies know just how much I care about them. We're all family.
Yes we certainly are, Robin. ❤️🫂
A general comment for those who might be "struggling" with a relative or loved one who has come out as trans. My experience has been that trans people tend to come out to two groups of people, some they trust and some that they simply can't keep hiding their identity from.
If you're in the second group, you're more likely to be struggling. As you're struggling, realize first that it is your struggle,not theirs. Secondly, I'd encourage you to think about how you will be viewed in the future. You might feel that you have some influence and that may be the case in the short-term but if you try to engage in some sort of negotiation regarding who they are, how they present or any other essential element of their humanity, I can guarantee that those efforts will not age well.
How would you respond to someone trying to negotiate away (that's what it always is) some important element of who you are? You'd likely recognize that at least at that moment that their support was contingent on your hiding some key element of who you are.
Work through your own insecurity, your own embarrassment, your own bigotry. Don't expect your trans loved one to make your world safe. That's an impossible exhausting fools errand for both of you. And as Robin suggests, join a support group for friends and family.
Shayne, yes to all of this. I love your ask to "think about how you'll be perceived in the future." That's so thoughtful and wise.
I do think some folx just need more time to adjust, but that is time that should be spent on their own work, not on badgering their trans loved one. Most of us have done plenty of work to get through imposter syndrome already. When we come out, it's because we're ready to stop pretending.
Too often, it seems that the expectation is for us to do other people's emotional labor. That's not just unhealthy, in the long run it's not possible.
Part of a relationship is a two-way exchange and I don't mind listening to a friend who is making a sincere effort to understand both themselves and me.
I get transphobia. I've dealt with my own. I also get trans joy. The further I get away from the phobia end of that continuum, the less I am willing to go back there. It's just not how I want to spend my time.
I love this post, Robin. Thank you for continuing to show up like the mensch that you are. People need this! xo
Nan, every word from you is like a warm hug. I'm so happy we're friends!
This is so beautifully and sensitively written. I am the parent of a trans child, and it is an absolute honour to be her mother and to be by her side while she navigates transition. It would be false of me to say, however, that it doesn't bring up it's own complex feelings for me to work through. I loved this piece!
Your honesty and willingness to listen through painful, breaking sort of discomfort is the kind of "how very human" that is rare these days. I appreciate how it can be a journey, too, to come to a place of readiness for this. You offer all your communities so much, Robin. We're so fortunate to have you.
Thanks Robin! I found this very helpful. For anyone that can’t find a local group there are several that host online sessions.
This is more of a question than a comment Robin. How do you as a transgender person feel about the constant attacks by Nancy Mace on individuals like yourself?
Polite answer? I want to trip her in the hallway.
Inside voice answer? What a mean, ugly little human she is. She must really loathe and despise herself to be so vile to Sarah McBride and every other trans woman she is around. While I pity her insecurities, I will waste no time giving her more attention than she's already gotten. As Ariana put so succinctly, "thank you, next."
I would think that the speaker could shut her up. She is rude and talks over others and interrupts others. Maybe he is afraid of her. Mostly she reminds me of the bully on the playground in grade school.
Robin, I'm leaving this one for you.
Hell, there's room for all of us here! Speak your mind!
Trans man or trans woman, the goal seems to be to erase us. You get treated like you don't exist and I get treated like I'm responsible for all of societies problems in the hopes that I'll no longer be able to exist.
Not going to happen for either of us. People underestimate our strength.
I walked into my bank today and immediately in front of me was this maga idiot with a shaved head covered with tattoos. Huge "punisher" tattoo taking up the whole back of his head and American flags covering his entire leg, etc. you get the picture. MAGA T-shirt. Pound and proud.
My first thought was "oh, great!" and then he turns around and starts to give me what I suspect was his attempt at a disapproving look. I've been in this situation a lot more often that he has and I know that they're almost all cowards at heart and that if I stare him down he's going start looking at his shoes, his phone, the exit, lint he just found in his pocket - anything.
I actually had a great time making this guy squirm for at least 15 minutes. Bottom line, we're a hell of a lot stronger than these idiots think we are. It sucks that life has toughened us up but before coming out, I couldn't have ever imagined standing up to someone like this (and his glances over his shoulder in the beginning were clearly his not being able to let me just exist).
They absolutely want to erase us. And... Where would we go? We're everywhere. It's just silly to think we will all somehow disappear or hide ourselves away. I'm done hiding. I may not be brave or strong, and I'm certainly not tall enough to scare anyone off, but I'm resilient and stubborn as hell, and I'm here to hold my ground.
I honestly think that the good, kind, decent people in this country outnumber the hate-filled ones. We're just quieter most of the time. And now we need to learn to speak up.
I'm only 5'8" but apparently I can bust out a stare that says "you do not want to fuck with me!" And yet, you get to know me and I'm so sweet!
I do agree that the good, decent, supportive people far outnumber the hateful idiots.
Good for you Shayne. All these creeps feel emboldened because of that orange clown. God, I can't believe we have to be stuck with an absolute idiot for 4more years.
I love it here.
I'm so glad you're in the right place!
Thanks so much for sharing this 360-degree view of your experience at the SOFFA meeting (and beyond), Robin. I love the idea of going to listen and learn and respectfully contribute as a trans person. It's such a gift to be able to hold space for self and other around the complexities of gender identity (and damn hard). So much wounding has come from the rigidity of gender conditioning in our culture.
You're right, that conditioning has been hard on all of us. Some of these things we experience are so full of hurt that it can be hard to want to listen while we're tending to our wounds. And that's okay, there's always time to come back later.