Oh Robin, I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry your friend let you down like this. Thank you for sharing this story. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much with all the "should"'s. A wise therapist I know likes to say, "Should doesn't pass the rationality test," and I remind my own anxiety brain of this frequently! 🧡
Hear hear, Robin. Totally! 'Should' is a swear word in my book because it usually stems from a societal or historical construct that's about others trying to control our personal narrative.
Please do, Robin! Too many people have tried to label me. Now, I embrace being indefinable ;—)—only to others. I'm very clear on who I am, and I'm still evolving and growing.
Thank you, Robin. *Should* is clearly such a challenging place for feelings, and you're right, none of that passes the test of what's really important.
Robin! Thank you for sharing this story. I'm sorry that happened to you. I think solidarity and acceptance within the LGBT!IA2S+ community is still lacking, and something that needs to be worked toward more committedly, but things have definitely gotten better for a lot of people. The gay and lesbian sectors of this community still have lots to learn. It was so ugly and divisive in the 70s and 80s when I was in NY. White cis people ruled. In the 60s the women's rights movement kicked lesbians to the curb because straight, white feminists didn't want to be associated with them. There are so many stories to tell. I haven't seen the Sylvia Rivera footage in a long time. Watching it again made me weep. What a brave trans person she was. Can any of us imagine leaving home at 10 years old to honor one's path? I can't. I met her a bunch of times in the 80s when I still lived in the city. Here's a link to her Wiki: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sylvia_Rivera
I have such envy for you knowing Sylvia! I would love to hear your memories of those moments (and more!). And here we are now, living in her legacy, still working for her vision of inclusion and community.
I'd love to share with you and I also want to write about what it was like living in the NYC during the height of the AIDS/HIV crisis. I was very involved with supporting and caretaking people with AIDS and advanced HIV. It was a hard time to be queer, and there was so much loss and sadness, but there was also SO MUCH love and joy. I did not know Sylvia well, she was definitely an icon to many and unfortunately she also pushed a lot of people's buttons. But that's what activism is all about, right?
Dear Nan you don't know me from anyone but I read this comment and I have to come in here and say I hope you will write your stories and share them. We've grown away from that time in history and I don't want it to be lost. There is too much silence still around the AIDS crisis, too much ignorance about those years and how they were. How much we ALL lost. And we need more celebrations of the resilience, joy and immense creativity of those times too. That is all. :-)
Well, now we know each other. Hi Sarah Sadie! It's funny you should say that. I write every morning, and today I was writing about that time and how it was for me. We did lose a lot, and my experience was that lesbians just kept showing up and giving care to the gay men who were so often abandoned by their brothers. So much fear in that time, and yes, a lot of forgotten stories, as my generation ages. It was a very painful and isolating time for so many. And there was SO MUCH love. We held each other up.
I loved Stormé! I'm pretty sure she bounced at the Dutchess before Cubby Hole. Stormé was our protector. I felt very loved and cared for with Stormé at the door. I used to go to the Cubby Hole often. I dated one of the bartenders, Lisa, who now owns Henrietta Hudson's (former CH). And do you remember Dee Meadows, another Cubby Hole bartender? She was my crush. She reminded me of Barbara Stanwyck, lots of swagger, and she knew how to flirt, and work the crowd (in a good way). A lot of good memories mixed in with the sad ones. I guess that's life.
Thank you, brother. I feel for you. I got my start with Queer activism back in the early 90s, with ACT-UP and Queer Nation, back when I thought I was just a gender non-confirming bi 'dude' who liked to wear the occasional skirts, almost always had black nail polish on, and would wear black lipstick on club nights ..I guess my trans awakening started in the mid to late teens, when I was watching movies like Boy meets Girl and slows like Sense8, but I finally figured myself out when I actually paid attention to the word nonbinary and started to be open to exploring myself, eventually, about 6 months after I first started using they/them pronouns, realizing I was a demigirl and needed to transition. I'm almost 5.5 years into transition now, FFS, top, and bottom surgery, and just couldn't be more myself.
I'm totally a Queer intersectional Socialist Feminist and Transfeminist activist and a Sapphic Gen X Riot Grrrl. And I'm proud to say that my pronouns are Fae, They, or She.
I think that it's belittling for her to have assumed that the T shouldn't be in LGBTQ+. I'm not trans and I sure as heck know that you belong. All the letters do confuse me sometimes but it's not anyones place to be THAT rude. I admit that I liked it when it was just LGBT but it was lgbT. Don't you ever forget that! You belong. Adding more letters REALLY does NOT hurt anyone anyway. It simply let's some know that THEY MATTER and what is the harm in THAT!? EVERYONE matters! Personally, sometimes I wonder if I belong because the B is often silent. Maybe that's why I feel a strong connection to those who are trans honestly. The T is often silent as well. She does NOT speak for everyone. I hope that you know that because you DO matter! You ARE a part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Someone I subscribe to write a great piece on bisexual inclusion in the queer community just this week. It was brilliant. We do all belong. And more inclusion for others doesn't mean less for us. Thanks for believing that I matter and I belong. It's really nice to hear that. You matter and you belong too.
Thank you for saying that! What is your friends name? How could I find out more about them? I've noticed some from other areas (like you) ARE kind and understanding. I once had a friend who was Trans named Marcie. She went to go and get surgery for it and I never saw her again. That was also years ago and she was middle-aged. Either way it REALLY bothered me so I made a video in her memory you can find it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8v-B7eyymY She was VERY kind to me. Due to the fact that I also have a disability some assume that I can't think enough to REALLY know what my sex is and she didn't assume anything. That was years ago and she was the last person who was fully understanding of my being bi-sexual here. I think that there are just loads of people who don't fully understand here in the South and that tends to drag me down because I also do have a disability and need to work on my confidence level. Sometimes, I have loads of it but other times, I have almost none. I don't know if that makes any sense but thank you. You are a very sweet person!!!
Brilliant stuff! They're a truly gifted writer and a genuinely awesome human.
I have met a lot of folks in the queer/trans community living with disabilities. I am one, too, it just isn't something I write or talk about much outside of my closest inner circles. We hold so much intersectionality as people, and those parts of our identities can either hide us in the shadows or lift us up. I want this to be a space where you feel that your whole self is unique and valid and amazing, and I am so glad you're here as part of this community. Big hugs, Angela!
Robin, another thought on should. Back in the early 1980s I spent a fair amount of time listening to cassette tapes by the self-help author Wayne Dyer. He admonished listeners to "stop 'shoulding' on themselves." That turned out to be incredibly useful as well as memorable.
As I've aged, the impact of self-talk, both critical as well as supportive and understanding, has proven to be one of the more surprising and useful lessons I've managed to gather.
Now I often find myself asking and encouraging friends to "Be nice to you. I care about you and if you keep talking to yourself/my friend like that I'm going to have a few more words with you."
While the acronym is ubiquitous now, because I was on the front lines of queer activism in the 1990s, I never take the inclusion of "T" (or "B") for granted. It has always been a tenuous political alliance and probably always will be. Because your friend is right, sexuality is not gender identity. But, the roots of homophobia and transphobia are the same. So remind your friend that when someone gets called a dyke on the street it is generally because of the way they are transgressing expectations of gender—not who they go home with. We're stronger together. We unfortunately just have to keep reminding ourselves that.
Agreed, Kyle. And you're right about how gender transgression is the root of our sameness. I think Leslie Feinberg said something like that once. And we really are stronger together.
Oh crud. I am so sorry that your dear long time friend has such a dismal, hurtful brain fart in your direction. You don’t deserve that. Just because the T is not relevant to her, doesn’t mean it is not relevant to others.
I applaud you for not reacting at her in the moment. That said, your feelings ( which you express so well here) ARE valid.
It certainly can be challenging to love someone and accept all their flaws, especially someone who hurts us so badly.
Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability, and for your willingness to educate even in the face of hurts. Thank you for teaching me a new term: transcestors. There is such a rich, if not pained, history here. Thank you for reminding us of that.
I can’t take credit for the term “transcestors.” I don’t even know who coined it. I first heard it in a brief speech by Alok Vaid Menon, and the word struck a chord in me that continues to resonate.
And also, I am so glad you bring your friendship here. It is a truly beautiful thing.
Transjoy is maybe the most beautiful thing in the world. Happy Pride, friend.
Oh Robin, I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry your friend let you down like this. Thank you for sharing this story. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much with all the "should"'s. A wise therapist I know likes to say, "Should doesn't pass the rationality test," and I remind my own anxiety brain of this frequently! 🧡
Hear hear, Robin. Totally! 'Should' is a swear word in my book because it usually stems from a societal or historical construct that's about others trying to control our personal narrative.
Oh, Victoria, you are so right! Those are very wise words. I may just use them in the future (with a nod to you, of course).
Please do, Robin! Too many people have tried to label me. Now, I embrace being indefinable ;—)—only to others. I'm very clear on who I am, and I'm still evolving and growing.
Thank you, Robin. *Should* is clearly such a challenging place for feelings, and you're right, none of that passes the test of what's really important.
You are a phenomenal writer, and I'm grateful to call you my trans friend.
Sarah, that was the nicest hug I have gotten all day. Thank you, friend.
Thank you for sharing, Robin. I'm curious, learning, and becoming more aware.
Being disappointed by others is SO hard...but please don't ever stop being beautiful amazing YOU.
No one can take that away regardless of how much they talk. We can't let them steal pieces of ourselves, we can't let them have that satisfaction!
...AND anyway, my trans friend, there are enough of us to remind you of your beautiful self to outweigh the rest ;-)
Right back at you, Victoria. I am so grateful for your friendship.
Mutual appreciation friendship-society, for sure! ;-) Here when you need me!
Robin! Thank you for sharing this story. I'm sorry that happened to you. I think solidarity and acceptance within the LGBT!IA2S+ community is still lacking, and something that needs to be worked toward more committedly, but things have definitely gotten better for a lot of people. The gay and lesbian sectors of this community still have lots to learn. It was so ugly and divisive in the 70s and 80s when I was in NY. White cis people ruled. In the 60s the women's rights movement kicked lesbians to the curb because straight, white feminists didn't want to be associated with them. There are so many stories to tell. I haven't seen the Sylvia Rivera footage in a long time. Watching it again made me weep. What a brave trans person she was. Can any of us imagine leaving home at 10 years old to honor one's path? I can't. I met her a bunch of times in the 80s when I still lived in the city. Here's a link to her Wiki: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sylvia_Rivera
I have such envy for you knowing Sylvia! I would love to hear your memories of those moments (and more!). And here we are now, living in her legacy, still working for her vision of inclusion and community.
I'd love to share with you and I also want to write about what it was like living in the NYC during the height of the AIDS/HIV crisis. I was very involved with supporting and caretaking people with AIDS and advanced HIV. It was a hard time to be queer, and there was so much loss and sadness, but there was also SO MUCH love and joy. I did not know Sylvia well, she was definitely an icon to many and unfortunately she also pushed a lot of people's buttons. But that's what activism is all about, right?
Dear Nan you don't know me from anyone but I read this comment and I have to come in here and say I hope you will write your stories and share them. We've grown away from that time in history and I don't want it to be lost. There is too much silence still around the AIDS crisis, too much ignorance about those years and how they were. How much we ALL lost. And we need more celebrations of the resilience, joy and immense creativity of those times too. That is all. :-)
Well, now we know each other. Hi Sarah Sadie! It's funny you should say that. I write every morning, and today I was writing about that time and how it was for me. We did lose a lot, and my experience was that lesbians just kept showing up and giving care to the gay men who were so often abandoned by their brothers. So much fear in that time, and yes, a lot of forgotten stories, as my generation ages. It was a very painful and isolating time for so many. And there was SO MUCH love. We held each other up.
way back in the day in NYC when I first came out I knew Stormé DeLarverie! she was bouncing at the Cubby Hole.
(I also worked end-stage AIDS with lots of stories from that time, but I was on the west coast.)
I loved Stormé! I'm pretty sure she bounced at the Dutchess before Cubby Hole. Stormé was our protector. I felt very loved and cared for with Stormé at the door. I used to go to the Cubby Hole often. I dated one of the bartenders, Lisa, who now owns Henrietta Hudson's (former CH). And do you remember Dee Meadows, another Cubby Hole bartender? She was my crush. She reminded me of Barbara Stanwyck, lots of swagger, and she knew how to flirt, and work the crowd (in a good way). A lot of good memories mixed in with the sad ones. I guess that's life.
Thank you, brother. I feel for you. I got my start with Queer activism back in the early 90s, with ACT-UP and Queer Nation, back when I thought I was just a gender non-confirming bi 'dude' who liked to wear the occasional skirts, almost always had black nail polish on, and would wear black lipstick on club nights ..I guess my trans awakening started in the mid to late teens, when I was watching movies like Boy meets Girl and slows like Sense8, but I finally figured myself out when I actually paid attention to the word nonbinary and started to be open to exploring myself, eventually, about 6 months after I first started using they/them pronouns, realizing I was a demigirl and needed to transition. I'm almost 5.5 years into transition now, FFS, top, and bottom surgery, and just couldn't be more myself.
I'm totally a Queer intersectional Socialist Feminist and Transfeminist activist and a Sapphic Gen X Riot Grrrl. And I'm proud to say that my pronouns are Fae, They, or She.
So happy to have you here, Marie!
Loving and beautifully open❤️
I think that it's belittling for her to have assumed that the T shouldn't be in LGBTQ+. I'm not trans and I sure as heck know that you belong. All the letters do confuse me sometimes but it's not anyones place to be THAT rude. I admit that I liked it when it was just LGBT but it was lgbT. Don't you ever forget that! You belong. Adding more letters REALLY does NOT hurt anyone anyway. It simply let's some know that THEY MATTER and what is the harm in THAT!? EVERYONE matters! Personally, sometimes I wonder if I belong because the B is often silent. Maybe that's why I feel a strong connection to those who are trans honestly. The T is often silent as well. She does NOT speak for everyone. I hope that you know that because you DO matter! You ARE a part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Someone I subscribe to write a great piece on bisexual inclusion in the queer community just this week. It was brilliant. We do all belong. And more inclusion for others doesn't mean less for us. Thanks for believing that I matter and I belong. It's really nice to hear that. You matter and you belong too.
Thank you for saying that! What is your friends name? How could I find out more about them? I've noticed some from other areas (like you) ARE kind and understanding. I once had a friend who was Trans named Marcie. She went to go and get surgery for it and I never saw her again. That was also years ago and she was middle-aged. Either way it REALLY bothered me so I made a video in her memory you can find it here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8v-B7eyymY She was VERY kind to me. Due to the fact that I also have a disability some assume that I can't think enough to REALLY know what my sex is and she didn't assume anything. That was years ago and she was the last person who was fully understanding of my being bi-sexual here. I think that there are just loads of people who don't fully understand here in the South and that tends to drag me down because I also do have a disability and need to work on my confidence level. Sometimes, I have loads of it but other times, I have almost none. I don't know if that makes any sense but thank you. You are a very sweet person!!!
Go check out Lasara, who wrote this article.
https://substack.com/inbox/post/145225868
Brilliant stuff! They're a truly gifted writer and a genuinely awesome human.
I have met a lot of folks in the queer/trans community living with disabilities. I am one, too, it just isn't something I write or talk about much outside of my closest inner circles. We hold so much intersectionality as people, and those parts of our identities can either hide us in the shadows or lift us up. I want this to be a space where you feel that your whole self is unique and valid and amazing, and I am so glad you're here as part of this community. Big hugs, Angela!
Robin, another thought on should. Back in the early 1980s I spent a fair amount of time listening to cassette tapes by the self-help author Wayne Dyer. He admonished listeners to "stop 'shoulding' on themselves." That turned out to be incredibly useful as well as memorable.
As I've aged, the impact of self-talk, both critical as well as supportive and understanding, has proven to be one of the more surprising and useful lessons I've managed to gather.
Now I often find myself asking and encouraging friends to "Be nice to you. I care about you and if you keep talking to yourself/my friend like that I'm going to have a few more words with you."
Such great advice, Shayne. I'm working on it (I mean, aren't a lot of us?). But it's true that we deserve more self kindness.
I very much appreciate you being honest and vulnerable in your writing. You sound like a great friend and your garden! I'm a bit jealous.
My heart.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for the lesson.
Thanks for being open to it, Tiffany.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sigh. From a friend. Sigh.
Thanks, Mary. Sometimes friends hurt us the most.
While the acronym is ubiquitous now, because I was on the front lines of queer activism in the 1990s, I never take the inclusion of "T" (or "B") for granted. It has always been a tenuous political alliance and probably always will be. Because your friend is right, sexuality is not gender identity. But, the roots of homophobia and transphobia are the same. So remind your friend that when someone gets called a dyke on the street it is generally because of the way they are transgressing expectations of gender—not who they go home with. We're stronger together. We unfortunately just have to keep reminding ourselves that.
Agreed, Kyle. And you're right about how gender transgression is the root of our sameness. I think Leslie Feinberg said something like that once. And we really are stronger together.
Oh crud. I am so sorry that your dear long time friend has such a dismal, hurtful brain fart in your direction. You don’t deserve that. Just because the T is not relevant to her, doesn’t mean it is not relevant to others.
I applaud you for not reacting at her in the moment. That said, your feelings ( which you express so well here) ARE valid.
It certainly can be challenging to love someone and accept all their flaws, especially someone who hurts us so badly.
I send ((hugs)) of respect and empathy to you.
Teyani, you give great hugs! Thank you, friend. I needed that.
I’m here for you. Anytime.
♥️♥️♥️ this is a beautiful piece. thanks for writing so openly. happy pride! 🏳️🌈
Happy Pride to you as well, Alycia!
💖💖💖
Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability, and for your willingness to educate even in the face of hurts. Thank you for teaching me a new term: transcestors. There is such a rich, if not pained, history here. Thank you for reminding us of that.
I can’t take credit for the term “transcestors.” I don’t even know who coined it. I first heard it in a brief speech by Alok Vaid Menon, and the word struck a chord in me that continues to resonate.
And also, I am so glad you bring your friendship here. It is a truly beautiful thing.