Buyer’s Remorse

or is it just vulnerability?

For the first 48 hours after telling all of you that I was launching GenderWild Press, my body felt sick with buyer’s remorse. I first heard about this phenomenon when I bought a house in my 20s. I was probably too young to be buying a house anyway, but let’s get real here. Seattle and the surrounding cities are, and have always been, something of a real estate bubble, which means nothing is ever affordable, and rent prices closely follow the rapid changes of the housing market. Buying a house was a financially logical decision. It didn’t occur to me that…

A. You could regret doing it, or

B. That you could fail.

And I really didn’t have regrets buying my first house. I should have. More about who I bought the house with and where it was located, less about the money or the commitment or the impacts to my credit score. So I’ve always given buyer’s remorse the side-eye. “Yeah, right,” I would say. “That ain’t me.”

But there I was a couple weeks back, numb, frozen while staring at the post I published making this huge announcement about a dream I had and why I thought it made sense to follow it. I felt like an idiot. I felt un-smart.

I felt exposed. Vulnerable.

Cuz if you know what my dream is, you probably know what my fear is, too. Failure. Big, yucky failure.

I took a few deep breaths, I closed my eyes, and I decided to step away for a little while. Dig in the garden, walk the puppy, play a board game with the kids, do anything but panic about all of those mounting, terrifying fears. If you’ve ever started your own business or launched something big that you cared deeply about, these fears might sound familiar to you.

• I was worried no one would share my dream with me.

• I was afraid of the whole business failing.

• I was plagued by all the things I don’t know how to do, like finding all the right business relationships I’ll need as a publisher.

Those fears have not vanished, and some days they still nag at me. Failure is absolutely a possibility. But so is success. More importantly, there’s a lot of space in the middle between those two extremes.

But I wonder now if this is really fear that I’m carrying around with me, or if it’s something else that’s new to me. Maybe I don’t have a great vocabulary to describe it with. What if it’s… hope? Or joy? Or excitement? What if it wasn’t ever buyer’s remorse? What if those fears aren’t even fears at all?

What if they’re possibilities and choices that I haven’t noticed until now?

All of you have been supportive and kind. Thank you for that. I’ve gotten to meet new friends, chat with folx who have great ideas and resources for me, and even read some inspiring stories already. So yeah, that first fear? That’s silly. Here you are sharing this dream with me, and so I know it’s the right thing to do. We can scratch some of that third fear out, too, because you’re helping me forge those connections with other publishers, writers, book sellers, and support systems I need. And if I have those two things in my pocket, a full business failure seems unlikely. Doesn’t it?

How about a little news update then?

GenderWild Press is officially part of the SmallStack Library LLC business structure now. I’ve started designing a website, launching email accounts for communication, creating a logo, and I’m really close to publishing those things so that it’s easier to find me and learn more about what GenderWild is all about.

If you follow what’s happening on SmallStack, today is our one-year birthday (woohoo!), and we’re also announcing our baby steps into the world of publishing there. We’re cutting our teeth on a collection of essays that will be published in book form soon, which helps both sides of the business understand the publishing process better. I learn by doing, and we are most certainly doing.

SmallStack Turns One!

My door is still (always) open if you or someone you know has wisdom to share from the standpoint of publishing. Learning through community feels really good. Below is a brief list of places where you can help me out.

What do I need?

Expertise. If you run or work for a small, independent publishing company (or someone you know does), I would love to get connected with you. Micropress? Even better. I have a lot to learn about this industry, and talking to real people makes a big difference.

Collaborators. If you have skills in publishing, I could really use your help getting this business off the ground. No, I don’t have the ability to pay anyone yet, including myself. Everything that’s happening right now is voluntary. I specifically need people with expertise in cover art, printing, distribution, sales, and creating legal contracts.

Brave souls. During 2025 I’ll be opening up a process for manuscript submissions. If you’re interested in working with me to get your book published, or if you know someone who might be looking for a super cool independent trans/queer publisher, this is a great opportunity to reach out early and see if we might be a good fit. As this is a new press, I don’t have prior published works to compare to, which means the first few books created will set the tone for the entire business. I’ll be selecting them very carefully, and I hope you can help writers connect with me to make that happen.¹

Funding. New businesses need capital, which I don’t have. I’ll likely create a crowd-funding page later in the year, but donations to this new press are always welcome! And if you have skill in fundraising, I could really use your help.

Spreading the word. In exactly the same way that this publication was built, word of mouth (or clicks) can make all the difference in my success. Sharing my work with others helps create new connections that spark creativity. Please share this publication, this post, or a note about GenderWild Press to help it find more eyes.

Subscribe to GenderWild Press! I’ve created a section on TransFriend where this project can live for now. Substack allows me to migrate my entire subscriber list over, which I’ve done, but you can opt out if this isn’t content you want to see.

Your trans friend,

Robin

1. GenderWild Press has not yet narrowed down the genres of books we will publish. So really, if you think you’ve got a great book idea, especially if it’s already written and edited, tell me about it. While we will eventually have a more formal submission process, you can take advantage of my unpreparedness right now and pitch me something awesome. But hey, sending me a pitch does NOT guarantee I’ll accept it. Let’s just call it an ice breaker right now.