You are a perfect, lovely, valuable and loved human being no matter what kind of equipment you have or don't have and irrespective of what that equipment is and how you came to feel comfortable in your body. Watching the world police female athlete's bodies trying to find the line where they are competitive without being somehow less of a "real woman" is so fucking exhausting to me and I can't imagine how harmful this bullshit is to trans youth. I'm sorry Robin. There are people who need to be checked for their humanity, they're the ones so concerned with policing other people's underroos.
I've been listening to this limited series podcast about just how LONG these types of tests have been an issue and it's really interesting in a depressing way. I haven't finished it yet but thus far they haven't covered much specific to trans folks although also, it's hard to say how the athletes from the past themselves might have felt had they been asked.
I snorted too! An image popped into my head of Sherlock Holmes with his iconic deerstalker hat and magnifying glass, closely examining a toddler's bright red and yellow underpants.
Thank you Robin ❤️ my thirteen year old is almost constantly asked about her genitals in school 🙄 but on a positive note, when she first came out as trans, one person said “wow that’s amazing!”. I know she’ll always remember that reaction 😀
When I first came out as trans, the wide range of responses really shocked me. Most shocking of all was when someone would say "congratulations, I'm so happy for you!" It was as though I didn't know that it was okay to be happy and celebrate this wonderful thing happening in my life. Now I expect that reaction, and I wonder why folks are so scared and concerned when they discover what my journey has entailed. And what a loss for them not to share in our joy!
This never ceases to amaze me (in a sad way), that our culture, that is so freaked out about sex and "private parts" makes an exception for asking trans people such a personally invasive question. It amazes me (in a good way) every time I see an instance of parents of a trans child supporting and defending their child's truth. It is so good to know there are parents like you out there. Your daughter may have a hard road ahead because of all the crap this world will fling at her, but she is so fortunate to have you as a parent.
Brooke, I'm really glad you left a comment so that I could say thank you, and also to remind you that your words are important here. Speak your mind, and I'll listen.
What I was initially going to say is that yes, being trans is a wanted or preferred thing for some people! I'm autistic and nonbinary, and there's a correlation between autism and being trans and gender nonconforming (this relationship goes both ways and is proven by research). Before I knew I was autistic or had the words to say I was nonbinary, I knew I was comfortable around trans and gender nonconforming people in a way I never, ever have been around cis people (and lots of bullying added to this for me, always from cis people). I think your description is right on, there is a magic and realness there that I don't find elsewhere, and I think it comes from the bravery it takes to defy pressure to stay in boxes that were arbitrarily assigned to us all upon arrival. One of the core features of autism that is described as a deficit is lack of interest in conforming to arbitrary social rules and it doesn't get more arbitrary than the rules assigned to cis genderhood.
Thank you for that. I've gone through being intentionally ignored out of existence as part of shunning style bullying so I'm really hesitant to even bother speaking now due to the years upon years (and still in some places) being ignored when I talk and treated like I'm invisible.
I'm so sorry you've been treated that way and made to feel invisible. You don't deserve that. And I truly love that you feel more comfortable and at home around trans and nonbinary folks. I feel the same. I was interviewed by someone who asked at the end for me to "define the most comfortable space" for myself, and I immediately said "a room of nothing but trans people." That's something I've never had, but I can imagine just how calming it would feel, and I long for it.
I think that would be a space I'd finally feel safe in my own body--and specifically safe from SA since my SA perps have included cis women. Literally the safest. Maybe someday.
Superb -- what a combination of passion and cogency! I love Lady Gaga's response and love 'the glittery, sparkly, bubbly awesomeness that is being a trans human and genderwild creature' Great writing and sentiments.
I met my wife in the early 2000’s after her transition.
One thing that helped our relationship survive is that she isn’t ashamed of being trans and doesn’t need to pass, as long as people respect her pronouns.
I learned so much about micro aggressions from watching her deal with them and talking to me about it.
My wonderful wife pointed out that there have been some cultures (mostly indigenous and in the past) that welcomed trans people and they often held important roles.
Thanks for this article, Robin, it is needed and spot on.
Trans folks often carry a lot of shame, internally, externally. It can be a heavy burden. And for some of us it takes longer to learn to release that burden. Your wife sounds both amazing and resilient, and I am so glad both of you are sharing space in the world with me.
Robin, thank you. Glad to be sharing space, thank you for that touching sentiment! I enjoy hearing from a variety of trans voices, so I’m glad I found you substack.
It is wonderful and I can attest to that. I have a beautiful and brave trans daughter. Every trans person I’ve met so far has been a special human being.
Great piece. I’d never seen the Lady G interview before. Love it 😍
I decided, in amongst this latest palaver, that the next time I hear some pearl-clutching-what-if-it-was-your-daughter, I'm going to flip their script.
What if it was your daughter, who was trans and being treated like this, purely because she had the audacity to want to engage in sports? What then?
Very nicely written, not only was it engaging, but that use of Lady Gaga's answer in the interview was a great way to drive the point home with an awesome one/two combo!
This was what I needed to read this morning, and as other's have said, I love the glittery, sparkling bubbly awesomeness of you!
Nothing like constantly being made to feel like you have no right to exist and have to fear physical violence. These days you just never know how people will react to not WHO you are, but WHAT they think you are. Thanks for yet again putting words to the struggle.
I just want to pipe up in case anyone here needs to read it.
I’m non-binary and I love being non-binary. I love having an attractive non-binary body and finding ways of showing my style and fashion. I love how when I look in the mirror I see a different brand of attractiveness than I’ve seen anywhere else.
I love the various group of characteristics that make me who I am. They cut across the typical notions of gender. They redefine how so many aspects of gender are seen.
And I want to be clear, I’m not one of those folks who looks in the mirror and feels like they need to find something to like because deeply they dislike themselves. I’m the kind of person who looks in the mirror and is like ‘this is where it is at’.
It’s been a long process of fighting for and carving myself out of the roles and ideas which were pushed on me from infancy. In part it is the process of becoming the most true and accurate representation of myself that makes me so happy. There is a great deal of liberation in saying “I don’t know why and I don’t care for justification and I disagree with swaths of what my culture suggests to be right, true, and comfortable” and instead to say “I’m going to do what I want to do and what is right in my eyes”. I love the freedom to step out of the acceptable flow of culture and have the strength and self love to say no. In this space on the banks of the river of establishment there is a wonderful world of possibility and opportunity.
Being non-binary is amazing and I wish more folks knew how wonderful it is to be trans.
All the hugs. 💜💙💚🧡🧡❤️ And FWIW, I believe being trans is awesome. It's not easy, because our world sucks so much. But it's a glorious thing, being trans. ❤️
A very needed reframe. This is a great example of how the subtleties of language reveal underlying truths. Gaga's response to that question was perfection. It's a very strange question to ask out loud, and it should just be deflected and ignored. Hope you're well today <3
You are a perfect, lovely, valuable and loved human being no matter what kind of equipment you have or don't have and irrespective of what that equipment is and how you came to feel comfortable in your body. Watching the world police female athlete's bodies trying to find the line where they are competitive without being somehow less of a "real woman" is so fucking exhausting to me and I can't imagine how harmful this bullshit is to trans youth. I'm sorry Robin. There are people who need to be checked for their humanity, they're the ones so concerned with policing other people's underroos.
Kudos to you for getting me to snort-laugh about policing underoos. That could be a graphic novel. See what I did there? Wink wink.
I've been listening to this limited series podcast about just how LONG these types of tests have been an issue and it's really interesting in a depressing way. I haven't finished it yet but thus far they haven't covered much specific to trans folks although also, it's hard to say how the athletes from the past themselves might have felt had they been asked.
https://www.npr.org/2024/07/12/g-s1-8943/npr-embedded-cbc-testing-in-elite-sports-tested-podcast
Oh this looks fascinating. Thanks for sharing it.
Omg the card-carrying females episode is making me fucking furious.
Np 🩷
I snorted too! An image popped into my head of Sherlock Holmes with his iconic deerstalker hat and magnifying glass, closely examining a toddler's bright red and yellow underpants.
Thank you Robin ❤️ my thirteen year old is almost constantly asked about her genitals in school 🙄 but on a positive note, when she first came out as trans, one person said “wow that’s amazing!”. I know she’ll always remember that reaction 😀
When I first came out as trans, the wide range of responses really shocked me. Most shocking of all was when someone would say "congratulations, I'm so happy for you!" It was as though I didn't know that it was okay to be happy and celebrate this wonderful thing happening in my life. Now I expect that reaction, and I wonder why folks are so scared and concerned when they discover what my journey has entailed. And what a loss for them not to share in our joy!
This never ceases to amaze me (in a sad way), that our culture, that is so freaked out about sex and "private parts" makes an exception for asking trans people such a personally invasive question. It amazes me (in a good way) every time I see an instance of parents of a trans child supporting and defending their child's truth. It is so good to know there are parents like you out there. Your daughter may have a hard road ahead because of all the crap this world will fling at her, but she is so fortunate to have you as a parent.
Thank you ❤️
And what if being trans is … a superpower? :)
Shhhh!!! Don't give away our super secret to everyone!
OF COURSE, it is!! (cis folks have just been asking that question to the wrong people.)
Thank you!!! I have written a comment three times and deleted it but I have to say something. So thank you. You've described this very well.
Brooke, I'm really glad you left a comment so that I could say thank you, and also to remind you that your words are important here. Speak your mind, and I'll listen.
What I was initially going to say is that yes, being trans is a wanted or preferred thing for some people! I'm autistic and nonbinary, and there's a correlation between autism and being trans and gender nonconforming (this relationship goes both ways and is proven by research). Before I knew I was autistic or had the words to say I was nonbinary, I knew I was comfortable around trans and gender nonconforming people in a way I never, ever have been around cis people (and lots of bullying added to this for me, always from cis people). I think your description is right on, there is a magic and realness there that I don't find elsewhere, and I think it comes from the bravery it takes to defy pressure to stay in boxes that were arbitrarily assigned to us all upon arrival. One of the core features of autism that is described as a deficit is lack of interest in conforming to arbitrary social rules and it doesn't get more arbitrary than the rules assigned to cis genderhood.
Thank you for that. I've gone through being intentionally ignored out of existence as part of shunning style bullying so I'm really hesitant to even bother speaking now due to the years upon years (and still in some places) being ignored when I talk and treated like I'm invisible.
I'm so sorry you've been treated that way and made to feel invisible. You don't deserve that. And I truly love that you feel more comfortable and at home around trans and nonbinary folks. I feel the same. I was interviewed by someone who asked at the end for me to "define the most comfortable space" for myself, and I immediately said "a room of nothing but trans people." That's something I've never had, but I can imagine just how calming it would feel, and I long for it.
I think that would be a space I'd finally feel safe in my own body--and specifically safe from SA since my SA perps have included cis women. Literally the safest. Maybe someday.
Superb -- what a combination of passion and cogency! I love Lady Gaga's response and love 'the glittery, sparkly, bubbly awesomeness that is being a trans human and genderwild creature' Great writing and sentiments.
Thank you, Jan. We all need more glitter, sparkles, and bubbly awesomeness.
I met my wife in the early 2000’s after her transition.
One thing that helped our relationship survive is that she isn’t ashamed of being trans and doesn’t need to pass, as long as people respect her pronouns.
I learned so much about micro aggressions from watching her deal with them and talking to me about it.
My wonderful wife pointed out that there have been some cultures (mostly indigenous and in the past) that welcomed trans people and they often held important roles.
Thanks for this article, Robin, it is needed and spot on.
Trans folks often carry a lot of shame, internally, externally. It can be a heavy burden. And for some of us it takes longer to learn to release that burden. Your wife sounds both amazing and resilient, and I am so glad both of you are sharing space in the world with me.
Robin, thank you. Glad to be sharing space, thank you for that touching sentiment! I enjoy hearing from a variety of trans voices, so I’m glad I found you substack.
It is wonderful and I can attest to that. I have a beautiful and brave trans daughter. Every trans person I’ve met so far has been a special human being.
Great piece. I’d never seen the Lady G interview before. Love it 😍
Another wonderful instance of a supportive parent!
🙏🏻
Thanks Robin for wrapping words around something I didn’t know I was feeling. The ‘accusation’ always includes stigma, whichever way the land lies.
Yes, it really does. And I wish others could just see this for what it is.
I’m so sorry for all the shit you have to go through for just being you.
And thank you for making me reflect on this precious and intimate topic. You’re making me a better person and trans ally 💜
Sending queer hugs your way 🔥✊🏻
I decided, in amongst this latest palaver, that the next time I hear some pearl-clutching-what-if-it-was-your-daughter, I'm going to flip their script.
What if it was your daughter, who was trans and being treated like this, purely because she had the audacity to want to engage in sports? What then?
Brilliant.
Very nicely written, not only was it engaging, but that use of Lady Gaga's answer in the interview was a great way to drive the point home with an awesome one/two combo!
This was what I needed to read this morning, and as other's have said, I love the glittery, sparkling bubbly awesomeness of you!
I love the way Lady Gaga replied, and for anyone who didn't watch the clip of her, it's worth watching! Her delivery when she responds is priceless!
ikr? I wish this was the way of the world, instead of how it is today
Nothing like constantly being made to feel like you have no right to exist and have to fear physical violence. These days you just never know how people will react to not WHO you are, but WHAT they think you are. Thanks for yet again putting words to the struggle.
Well said, Sean.
I love the glittery, sparkling bubbly awesomeness of you!
Thanks, Teyani! Likewise.
I just want to pipe up in case anyone here needs to read it.
I’m non-binary and I love being non-binary. I love having an attractive non-binary body and finding ways of showing my style and fashion. I love how when I look in the mirror I see a different brand of attractiveness than I’ve seen anywhere else.
I love the various group of characteristics that make me who I am. They cut across the typical notions of gender. They redefine how so many aspects of gender are seen.
And I want to be clear, I’m not one of those folks who looks in the mirror and feels like they need to find something to like because deeply they dislike themselves. I’m the kind of person who looks in the mirror and is like ‘this is where it is at’.
It’s been a long process of fighting for and carving myself out of the roles and ideas which were pushed on me from infancy. In part it is the process of becoming the most true and accurate representation of myself that makes me so happy. There is a great deal of liberation in saying “I don’t know why and I don’t care for justification and I disagree with swaths of what my culture suggests to be right, true, and comfortable” and instead to say “I’m going to do what I want to do and what is right in my eyes”. I love the freedom to step out of the acceptable flow of culture and have the strength and self love to say no. In this space on the banks of the river of establishment there is a wonderful world of possibility and opportunity.
Being non-binary is amazing and I wish more folks knew how wonderful it is to be trans.
I would read an entire book on this! You're amazing.
<3
All the hugs. 💜💙💚🧡🧡❤️ And FWIW, I believe being trans is awesome. It's not easy, because our world sucks so much. But it's a glorious thing, being trans. ❤️
It really is glorious. I’m so grateful for your hugs and your wisdom, Nos.
A very needed reframe. This is a great example of how the subtleties of language reveal underlying truths. Gaga's response to that question was perfection. It's a very strange question to ask out loud, and it should just be deflected and ignored. Hope you're well today <3
Actually, it feels really great to have the support of so many friends. Thanks, Jeremy.