Be grateful. Be grateful you have a job. Be grateful you’re white. Be grateful for your healthy children. Be grateful you’re not a kid anymore. Be grateful you’re not (that) old. Be grateful you grew as tall as you did. Be grateful they didn’t hire you for that job. Be grateful for your voice. Be grateful for the opportunity. Be grateful you can manage that debt. Be grateful for your citizenship. Be grateful for the right to vote. Be grateful you survived. Be grateful you can feel that pain. Be grateful you can still love. Be grateful it was just a joke. I hear you telling me to find gratitude, but I wonder. Is this how you share the bitterness of your pain and disappointment in a world that didn’t see your value? Because you don’t have a job. Because you’re not white. Because your children are not healthy. Because you didn’t get to be a kid. Because you are (that) old. Because you didn’t grow tall either. Because they did hire you for that job, and it cost you something important. Because you don’t have a voice. Because you didn’t get the opportunity. Because you can’t manage that debt. Because you don’t have citizenship. Because you don’t have the right to vote. Because you survived, too. Because that pain hurts like hell. Because you missed out on love. Because it wasn’t just a joke. And gratitude hasn’t saved either one of us. Neither has silence. Tell me your story instead of asking me to find gratitude in mine. Tell me your story so that I can be grateful for you.
This reminds me so much of when people use "at least." It always feels like that (or your example of "be grateful") is stopping the conversation, shaming me for feeling whatever I'm feeling, and allowing the other person to not feel compassion or empathy for what I'm going through. Thank you for writing this <3 And for not using "be grateful" or "at least" with people <3
Yes! Reed, you always find your way to the heart of my words. Our feelings are often hard enough to express. They shouldn't be minimized.
I had a friend recently who shared something important and vulnerable with me, and the only response I could offer was "I can't fix this, and I can't make it better, so please keep talking about it with me. I want to hear your thoughts and feelings even if they're hard to speak about." Just sitting with those feelings can be liberating.
Thank you for this. Gratitude is a too that has been waponized as a way to silence those of us whose stories make others uncomfortable. I have a lot of gratitude for a lot of things, but I'll be damned if I'll let anyone else prescribe for me what I *should* be grateful for.
PK, I saw this first thing this morning, and I feel like I owe you some thanks and appreciation for saying all of this. As a writer who shares these vulnerable things to a world that isn't always kind, you've reminded me (and affirmed) why it's so important to do it despite the fear. I'm so glad you're here.
This reminds me so much of when people use "at least." It always feels like that (or your example of "be grateful") is stopping the conversation, shaming me for feeling whatever I'm feeling, and allowing the other person to not feel compassion or empathy for what I'm going through. Thank you for writing this <3 And for not using "be grateful" or "at least" with people <3
Yes! Reed, you always find your way to the heart of my words. Our feelings are often hard enough to express. They shouldn't be minimized.
I had a friend recently who shared something important and vulnerable with me, and the only response I could offer was "I can't fix this, and I can't make it better, so please keep talking about it with me. I want to hear your thoughts and feelings even if they're hard to speak about." Just sitting with those feelings can be liberating.
I love that response you offered! Yes! It can be so liberating just to be allowed to sit in the feelings with someone else.
Thank you for this. Gratitude is a too that has been waponized as a way to silence those of us whose stories make others uncomfortable. I have a lot of gratitude for a lot of things, but I'll be damned if I'll let anyone else prescribe for me what I *should* be grateful for.
Well said. How much work do we already do at our own expense to make others more comfortable?
It's constant<sigh>
PK, I saw this first thing this morning, and I feel like I owe you some thanks and appreciation for saying all of this. As a writer who shares these vulnerable things to a world that isn't always kind, you've reminded me (and affirmed) why it's so important to do it despite the fear. I'm so glad you're here.