I am worried specifically about trans kids. A child I love has been trans from the earliest days. Her mom saw the signs around age 3, and she started kindergarten as a girl. Mom has been stressed, of course, and we are having trouble finding a community of trans children and their parents. I think shielding my young kiddo kid from the world as much as possible (she's just 6, after all), but it's impossible to shield from everything.
I'm seeing parents with young trans kids kind of left in the dark. Elementary schools' LGBTQIA groups aren't very active, as the LGB part isn't yet as overt (though I in no way discount the experience of understanding gender identity and/or preference at a young age, for anyone...)
Are you aware of resources for parents of young trans children? As an ally, I'm choosing to go loud and proud with stickers, posts, conversations, whatever. It is relatively safe for me to do so. The families of the trans children I know are afraid to do that, for good reason. Protecting the family is critical.
Anyway, if you have a crystal ball or know of resources I can help provide my peeps (there is a website in progress for this stuff so parents can access it easily), I would be in your debt.
Thank you so much for being open. Please forgive any bloops in wording. I used to work with trans youth (16-24) in my last job, and it didn't take long to see the toll it took on them. I would love to be a part of normalizing transgender lives - "nothing unusual to see here, folks, leave those kids alone ...". I make mistakes, but I learn from them and thank the person who educated me.
Cheri, hello! I, too, share your worries about trans kids and their families. My own trans kid is pretty resilient, but I worry about the toll it takes on him to grow up in a world that's hostile and sometimes even dangerous. It's definitely impossible to shield them, and to an extent they deserve to see the world as it is so that they can create new ways to solve those problems.
As parents, caregivers, educators, and supporters of kids, we also deserve support and resources. I highly recommend TransParent (https://transparentusa.org/) as an ongoing destination for the kind of support caregivers need as their children grow up. They offer online support groups, local chapters with their own resources, and a bunch of great tools on their website.
My own kids have LGBTQ+ groups that meet in their schools (even in elementary!). I didn't know this was a thing, but it turns out you can advocate for it at your own school just by talking to the faculty and seeing what kind of staffing and support they are willing to provide to their students. It's a classic "you don't know if you don't ask" situation. If you can believe it, our elementary group started because our son asked the social worker for it when he was 7. So there you go... they solve problems in ways that surprise us if we let them!
I would also be remiss if I didn't mention that I have an on-going anthology of works by and for trans families (https://transfriend.substack.com/p/for-trans-families-with-love) that is still open for submissions. I've tried to make it the lowest possible barrier so that everyone can participate, and we have a lot of great contributions already. If you or someone you know would like to submit something, please do!
There is a "Rainbow Club" at her school, but it consists of two trans kids. Nobody else came to the last meeting. That could be fear;it feels like forever, but things are just starting and people are getting their bearings. That's my sense, anyway.
I agree we shouldn't completely shield kids from the realities of the world. However, I think early childhood, before age 8 or 9, we may do them a disservice by giving them world issues they cannot yet influence. I'd rather see kids get a good grounded sense of who they are and how to manage trolls, regardless of form. Just my general thoughts. I am an educator but not a parent, so there are many things I can hypothesize but not know for certain.
I want to add, again, how much I love this thread. I need this thread!
Cheri, I'm so happy you came here to share your thoughts and feelings. I love this thread, too! Maybe I'll make this a regular feature so that we can always keep the door open to ask questions and find answers together.
Hi, JM! I've see a great range of questions here already. I'm a little surprised that nobody has yet asked anything about how to start writing, how to build and grow community... that sort of thing. But maybe everyone feels good about those topics already? But really, seeing so many wonderful questions already really warms my heart!
If you have perspective on building physical community, especially, I'd be all ears. I'd love to have trans kid/youth gatherings, for example. I don't know if that is safe now, but it will be at some point.
I'm also interested in thoughts on parent support groups. Perhaps that's in the link at transparentusa.org - that's on tomorrow's agenda!
I'm used to slipping into a system, not making one.
It's most often useful to leverage existing community where that's possible. So definitely take a look at TransParent (they are growing, too) and PFLAG, and any other resources online or in your local area.
Creating community in person can be extremely difficult for a few reasons, and I'm thinking here about how far apart some folx may be, our level of trust attending groups where we don't know others, and also chronic illness or disability preventing us from meeting folx in shared spaces. I find it easiest to start in online spaces and then begin connecting the dots between locations of members in that group. These days it's helpful to really vet someone before you meet them in person.
But don't underestimate the power of creating a group yourself, even one that will meet in person. My son asked the school social worker if they could start a group for trans and gender-diverse kids, and that's exactly what they did. We've since had his friends from that group, including their parents and siblings, over for pool parties and barbecues at our house. Even small steps like that can make a big difference in our lives.
Hi Robin, thanks so much for this. I love the Q's and A's I've read already here.
I was wondering if you'd be willing to share what it's like to be supported in your transness by your wife (and kids.) For me, my partner is very supportive of my identity but I still have a frequent fear of being a burden. What is it like for you to be trans in a relationship?
I failed to address that burden item you mentioned... Transitioning while in a relationship means having some aspects of ourselves become shared "properties" (I mean this in more of a data sense, like characteristics). Me coming out as a trans man really messed with my wife's identity as a lesbian. It absolutely shifted how my kids talk about "their dad" to others. My transition is my own, but it also includes renegotiating those relationships with others, and it does sometimes feel like I'm a burden because of that.
Thinking about uprooting my family and fleeing the country because of my transness also feels like my transness is to blame for our fear and potential instability. I'm working through those feelings slowly. It's not easy.
Being supported by my wife has made all the difference in my survival and my ability to thrive. She was the first person I confided in, which is a special kind of trust. I know without hesitation that she will always listen, that she is personally invested in my happiness and safety. To be loved for who I am in this way is profoundly beautiful.
My kids accept and celebrate who I am so easily that I envy their unburdened freedom of love and joy. We talk openly about gender expression, learning to listen to others, and leading with kindness. They give me hope in our collective future as humans.
I wish everyone had this kind of love and support in their lives.
Charlotte, sadly there are multiple answers to that one.
I knew when I was about 6 or 8 that I was not a girl, but I felt that being a boy was too far out of reach for me. So I wished for there to be a third gender I could be. To this day I will never know what I might have chosen if I'd been given options at that age.
By 12 I knew, with crushing certainty, that I was "different," and it felt utterly isolating.
At various points in my youth and early adulthood I brushed up against gender boundaries, and I was frequently mistaken for a boy, even though I really did not look like one. These moments were liberating but I also secretly carried a lot of shame because of my response to them.
It wasn't until I was in my early 40s that I entertained the option of maybe being nonbinary. By 43 the illusions were gone, my egg cracked (a trans term meaning the moment when we realized who we are), and I knew I had never been a girl, nor could I continue to pretend.
My friend, there are so many many questions, but I'll leave you with two (one fun and one heavier)...
1) What garden vegetable (or plant) do you feel most connected to and why?
2) I'd love to hear about how you're navigating conversations about what's happening in the country (particularly to the trans community) with your kids. How do you decide as a parent what's "developmentally appropriate" for them to know when it comes to potential/real threats, crisis preparedness, etc (and I understand this would look different for everyone, to varying degrees)? My partner and I are really grappling with the enormity of this.
1. It's very tough to choose, because there are so many delightful garden plants, and because I'm terrible at choosing only one. That said, I find I am quite partial to the humble carrot. They come in many shapes, sizes, colors, they sweeten when left to overwinter, the tops are also edible and fun to tickle my face with, and they are just as good raw as they are cooked. And bonus, if you leave them for year #2 (being biennials and all), they will delight the tiniest of bug pollinators in your garden with a spray of sweet flowers high upon a lofty stalk. All that from a humble root veg.
2. This answer is way harder to put together. The real truth is that I have not clearly figured it out, and so my wife and I endeavor to keep the conversational door open to our kids' questions and thoughts.
2A. As a queer, binational family, we certainly feel the importance of telling both kids that we, as a family, have done many hard things together. And we will continue to do them--together. So no matter what happens, we will always be a family, we will always support one another, and nothing will tear us apart. Kids deserve security in the simplest things, like knowing their family members will still be there, physically and emotionally, even when the world is a scary place.
2B. Explaining to kids that some people are mean or hurtful is hard to do, but they know more than we expect. After all, they're in school with kids whose families say cruel things, and those kids say the same stuff on the playground. I often wonder if I shouldn't do a better job of explaining how this world might crush them, if given the chance, and then, often without warning, one of my kids will help me see that they are not afraid to be kind, to care for others, and to be authentically themselves no matter what. This reminds me that our children will be the ones in charge someday, and that leaves me with a resounding feeling of hope.
2C. It's worth remembering that kids are smart and funny and playful and wonderful. We should celebrate those parts of them. We should trust them to handle big topics. We should ask them what they think and feel. We should let them solve problems, and we should catch them when they fall. And we should always, always say yes to hugs (and probably ice cream).
I will never look at carrots the same again! Your reflections delight (especially the tops tickling the face). The versatility, diversity and surprisability (?) from this humble vegetable does remind me of you.
And I appreciate your honesty, thoughtfulness and insights here about children in general. I think many parents are still figuring out what these conversations might look like, so keeping the door ever open seems key. And hugs. And ice cream.
My question is different, hopefully that’s ok. My mom sees me as the knower or all things LGBTQ+ simply because I’m a lesbian. I definitely don’t know all. Because our teen son has a close friend who is trans my mom also extended her expectation of my knowledge to the current EO regarding gender affirming care for minors. She wants talking points for her friends (she’s 80) when they express agreement with the EO. She understands the EO is wrong and bad, she wants to speak intelligently about why. Everyone else I know who could help me with this is so overwhelmed themselves (whether trans, parent of a trans child or otherwise eloquent person) either I can’t ask or I have and the response was “lemme get back to you” but they haven’t. Your offer to answer questions made me think I’d give asking you a try. Any thoughts appreciated!
Heather, I am so glad you asked this question! I will admit this is a really complex issue, and my answer will likely be just a starting point. That said, it’s also an issue I am deeply invested in. So, here we go.
2. There are a lot of great articles that delve into the intricacies of the executive order and its impacts on gender affirming healthcare for minors (one such linked below). Bottom line, the EO rejects all commonly accepted scientific and medical wisdom, as well as the guidelines for providing the absolute best care for trans and gender-diverse youth. Supporting trans youth and providing gender affirming care to them is directly linked to decreases in suicidality. Beyond that, believing our children when they tell us who they are is critical in helping them grow up to be healthy, resilient adults, and that should be reason enough to listen to them.
3. Even before Project 2025 became the script for the GOP to follow in this administration, it has been widely known that attacking the rights and medical care of children is an easier pathway to condemning all trans lives than by attacking adults first. Children lack agency, they have no political voice and cannot vote or represent themselves, and they are an easily highlighted “victim” to be protected for misdirected political reasons. It’s also really easy to get folx upset when you frame something with a title like “surgical mutilation,” which is intentionally inflammatory (and just plain wrong).
4. Ironically, this particular EO, and all of the laws similar to it, remove the authority of a child’s parents and medical providers to determine the best way to treat and support them. If you recall the sweeping anti-vax movement during the initial years of covid, there were a lot of voices calling for the right of parents to decide what is best for their children, and yet here the state (or nation) intends to do just that. I prefer to de-emphasize this part of the argument for myself as I firmly believe that even children are entitled to bodily autonomy, and, as a queer kid whose parents did not provide the best support to me, I understand that not all adults have the best interests of their child at heart when they make decisions.
5. Executive orders like this one create two additional harms that are absolutely worth highlighting. First, they frame the conversation and take hold of the narrative in incredibly harmful and disproportionate ways. Second, they scare hospitals and medical providers into preemptive compliance, which we saw almost as soon as this EO was presented. Many of those facilities have since returned to providing care for their patients, but real harm was done to many of those kids.
6. Anyone arguing against this EO or any of the other anti-trans EOs we have seen so far should highlight the fact that trans people should be the ones talking about transgender healthcare, transgender civil rights, and the needs of the transgender community. I appreciate you coming here to do just that, and I hope others will seek out our voices and our stories to better understand that we are humans deserving of our own representation.
I appreciated the byline, "You've got questions, and I will make up answers This is a popular pastime on planet Earth." I enjoy reading creative writing. We look forward to more from you. Thank you, from a Trans Ally. Sending lots of love to everyone, from London, Ontario, Canada.
This is so generous of you, Robin! I hope it goes well. How you going to keep this on the main page of Substack without it scrolling off? Does that have to do with AMA? I'm not even sure what that is.
Man, you are the opposite of me when it comes to gardens. My poor ass kills plants. They don't like me. If something happens here and I have to be out in the wilderness, my butt needs to find you or I'll starve out there 😆. I'm better with animals, but haven't had one in decades since I had to put down my 18-year-old cat/dog. I called her half dog because she responded to training like we did our dogs when I was a kid. Nobody told me I couldn't, so I did. 😂 She was only sneaky when I wasn't home.
But, Bravo for opening yourself up like this. I wish people would ask questions about us being trans, because they seem timid or afraid, even though there's lots of things they may want to know. 👊🏿
It can be hard for allies to figure out what is acceptable or not, I think. Spending some time reading for baseline knowledge is a good idea, but I think a lot of people don't think of that.
It shouldn't be a trans person's responsibility to be a permanent embassador, so it's nice to get an invitation!
Yes, trans 101 would be nice for starters. We get plenty trolls coming around asking about private parts & saying rude things, so Robin's invitation is genuine ... since he's opening himself up to that, too. That's one of those things you should never ask me, because it's inappropriate to ask you about yours. Right? 😁 Wait long enough, and we'll probably say something about those things without being asked. Build acquaintances with us, and we'll feel safe enough to go there. 😉
It does seem obvious that some questions are simply inappropriate. If someone came along and wanted to know all about the state of my vagina, I'd be very prickly.
Let me not be stingy and let you all join in that fun. So, she asked me if I had 'the' surgery because uh, um, duh, there's something there ... looking down at my crotch. I was in a booth. I stood up as much as I could, started gyrating my crotch at her, and I said, "Give me those digits baby, and perhaps you'll find out!" Her face turned bright red, and she ran away. She said, "Ray!!!!!!!!!!" while doing so. I started cracking up. She never said another word while serving me, never found out, and I got her later with another incident after she moved locations. 😂
Serves her right to ask a bold-ass dude like me what's in my pants. 🤣🤣 They asked her because they had an idea I was sweet on that woman. Yeah, but NOT THAT SWEET! Hahahahaha
I think generally asking about body parts is not casual. Like you said, build a relationship.
I have to say, though, it doesn't really matter to ME. I care insofar as I want my peeps to feel right in their bodies. I don't know that I really need the details, though I am a curious person and would be all up for hearing about a friend's experience.
Unfortunately, nothing is common sense when it comes to being trans. It's barely that when it comes to being cisgender. I swear, I saw dudes do that in a general chat (decades ago), and they asked everything from panty-color to bra-size. They were straight dudes. I would laugh at them and tell them to ask non-sexual questions if they want to get to ladies like that. Those same women were talking to ME privately, because I treated them like people, not sexual objects.
There is casual sex. Plus dudes are notorious for crossing those boundaries. Not so much anymore, cuz women have men on the run from asking shit like that on the internet. Sometimes I mention that if I'm not having sex with you, why does it matter? That young lady, I was mildly interested in casual sex without a relationship, because I knew too much about her from her gossiping co-workers.
But when it comes to being trans, people are generally curious about the surgeries. They just have dumb ways of asking. At that point, I overload them with info that makes them squeamish. Hahahaha 😂 Not saying I would do that to you. Again, depends on how/what you ask. Since it's another stupid trope that we're mutilating our bodies, perhaps they want to know so they can erase that from what they 'think' is the truth about it ... for us.
🤣🤣🤣 Listen, it happens all the time, and people think they have the right to know what's in our pants. I have receipts ... especially this one restaurant who saw me transition. It's kind of funny because ole' girl, that 3 employees sent to ask me, ended up with a red face and running away from my table after what I did to her. 😂 She was Black, too. You won't see red on my face, but she was lighter than me. Hahahahahaha. Maybe I turn maroon? but you'd have to look closely. I don't embarrass easily, because I'm outrageous and bold AF. 😆
Oh, AMA is just the short title for Ask Me Anything. And no, it won't stay on the main page. I'm fairly sure people know how to find me if they have questions anyway... 😂
If anything does happen, head my way and I will keep you well fed, sir. My garden is always producing something, even in the worst parts of winter.
I also want folx to feel like they can ask questions, even the hard ones, so that we can all move forward with some better understanding. You've definitely been a real leader in providing that opportunity, and it makes a big difference.
Oh, now I feel silly asking about AMA. It looked official or something. Hahahahaha. Well, it is official ... your officialism. And, I think much bigger than who already knows you. I think about who doesn't. It'll get done between the both of us. I'm all over the place, so people find me, you, and others by what I say in non-trans spaces. 😉
This may be getting too personal, but my questions are: what has been the hardest part for you personally about transitioning, and what aspect has brought you the most joy and/or fulfillment?
Definitely not too personal. Those are excellent questions, Amy!
The hardest part has been learning how to build boundaries that serve me well. That's also been the most crucial aspect of my transition overall. There are so many things about me that did NOT change when I came out to myself and others as trans, but my desire to establish better boundaries was definitely an item I picked out early on. I grew up as a people-pleaser in an environment loaded with toxic behaviors and relationships, and unlearning those habits has been life-changing.
The most joy? Hugging, hands down, has been like waking up and finally feeling alive and whole, not just in my body, but in the ways that my body interacts with everyone in my life. And I would never have found that joy without top surgery. It is THE best decision I made early on.
Thank you, Robin! These answers make so much sense to me (not that they need to!). It seems having to find ways to put yourself and your needs first was going to be critical to living authentically. (Sounds obvious and also maybe true for most people, except cisgender folks have the privilege of not entertaining this kind of change if they don’t want to, it seems).
The joy answer makes ME feel joy for you! How liberating and sweet 🥹. I’d love to hear about other joys too, as your energy permits. Thank you for being so open with us and welcoming.
I'll add something to the 'joy' part to help brotha Robin out. For me, it was finding the missing link that was gone since I was 6-years-old. I felt so free. I was already genuine, but this upped that 1,000%. I had no clue what I was until I saw Chaz Bono on Dancing With the Stars. First time I heard of transmen. That is when it began. I fought it as long as I could, and when I embraced it, I felt an excitement I hadn't felt in a couple decades. My first year in transition was euphoria. I was 58. Then I saw how the country was hating on us (2016) and another part of me stepped up and took advantage of my male privilege. I don't have as much as the white guys do, but enough to make a difference in this crazy world. 💝
That must have been a simply incredible and unprecedented feeling to experience! Thank you for sharing that. This is why representation and visibility matter so much.
You, sir, are running a marathon with your influence. You don't give up. It is an impressive power that you have, and I admire you greatly for it. You're also a little stubborn, which is a fantastic quality!
Hahahahaha, Robin. Yeah, when you get to be 67-68, you'll be a little stubborn, too. Now I know what my parents experienced with me. I spent many years being a follower, doing almost everything I was told, and now as a leader & a bit old, I'm too cantankerous to care about the individual as much as I do the collective. Respect, sir.
Gah! They are so hungry all the time! Because I have pets and wildlife around my plants, and because I care about the soil and critters I share my growing space with, I fully utilize the "hand pick" method. Snails are pretty easy, just pluck them up by the shell and deposit them in a more hospitable environment (like your neighbor's bulbs). Slugs can be dealt with the same way, just wash your hands for like an hour afterward, cuz ew. Slimy.
This does take some time and attention and regular upkeep, but it affords you the opportunity to spend some very close snuggle time with your bulbs. Who knows what you might notice while you're out there cleaning up the latest snail rave?
While there are a lot of products available to ward off gastropods in the garden, most of them are loaded with chemicals that persist in your soil or harm the fauna, especially all those great soil critters we depend on. And, as the second largest phylum in the animal kingdom, I think it's wise to make friends and not foes of your local mollusk.
Hi Robin. I don’t use poisonous chemicals either and I learned from a gardening class to try copper. I had a bunch of copper wire from some electrical work and I’ve made rings around some of my plants. Also, I bought copper tape and put it around the tops of any potted plants. Works really well. My biggest problem is earwigs around my dahlias. I use food grade diatomaceous earth while they’re just popping up and that works but you do have to reapply often. Once the plants are big enough, I don’t bother.
Copper is very effective, just also expensive if you don't have access to spare wiring. I also think it's very humane as it discourages slugs and snails but doesn't really hurt them. They can slime another direction.
That is a fabulous question, Michelle! While I don't have a single, specific thing that I would point to, I think it would be nice if there were more questions that alluded to trans people having futures worth exploring. So maybe not "what do you want to be when you grow up," but at least something in that vein that indicates a sincerely held belief that we deserve to age, to grow old, to have lives, and to be human.
Oh Robin, yes! Is gardening something you hope to pursue as a career or side hustle? Or is it more of a need or hobby or simply what you soul calls you to do — with bonus food? And also what is one wild dream you have for yourself in the future? For example I had a daydream of a stone terrace with a vine covered pergola and a group of friends of all ages around me… I think it might even be in Europe. Not specific enough to be a goal, but something or some future you steer yourself in the direction of it coming true?
Once upon a time I wanted to be a farmer. I think I'm still acting out that dream even on a much smaller scale. My friends and neighbors think of me as a tiny CSA for them, because I always fill up their hands and cars with produce when they visit. My garden is a literal safe space for me. I could not live happily without it.
Ooh, a wild dream? Well you asked... My wildest dream at the moment is to create an independent publishing company for books by, for, and about the trans and queer community. We have so many beautiful stories to share about ourselves, and I want to be part of making that happen. I'm already working on an early retirement plan for my day job so that I can get closer to making my dream a reality.
And I absolutely want to visit your gorgeous vine-covered pergola terrace!!
Gail, that question is EPIC!! I will attempt to do it justice, and I may have to return to add what I miss the first time around.
For trans history, nobody can compete with Susan Stryker. Her work is absolutely some of the most important, pivotal accounting of our history that I have found (though this is largely the history of trans people in the United States moreso than globally). And her writing just also happens to be incredibly good!
Tobly McSmith has two teen fic books out with transmasc main characters that do an incredible job with delving into their thoughts and feelings in ways that we typically don't see in other fiction books with trans leads.
S Bear Bergman is maybe the funniest, most heartfelt writer and speaker I can think of. He also offers great takes on parenting.
Alok Vaid-Menon is the royalty of the quotable phrase, but their longer form writing is also the kind of thing that takes hold of your internal organs and shakes them up.
Oooooh this is soooo juicy-good! Now I have all of these folx on my list of "to read" thanks to you. If you think of more, please share...no such thing as too many writers lol!!! xo
i want to ask you eeeeeverything! let’s get tea sometime? but in the meantime - what is feeling life-giving for you right now? what is supportive of your writing practice?
You started with tea, and that makes me so happy! Did you know that I grew chamomile blossoms to make my own tea last summer?? Yes, it tasted great, but it was so joyful to snip and dry those tiny flower heads, then to store them safely in a jar, and THEN to pour them into a cup with hot water just to watch them bloom all over again!!
So I think it is safe to say that growing things feels life-giving now and pretty much always for me. It's grounding (was that a bad dad joke?). It makes me feel like I know my place in the world. Bonus, most of my plants are not mean to me--maybe just some of the prickly things like the gooseberry bushes have short tempers and come out stabbing all the damn time.
The #1 thing that supports my writing is reading. When I pick up a new book at the library or happen upon an article someone has shared with me, I feel the little webs of connection fire up in my brain, and then there's a spark of interest and exploration that makes me want to jot down a thought. Books are pretty amazing like that, eh?
i was so delighted by this answer that i forgot to respond! ah! home-grown chamomile blossoms and books and plants that aren't mean to you. YES. thank you, friend.
Hello, Robin! I am so thankful for this thread.
I am worried specifically about trans kids. A child I love has been trans from the earliest days. Her mom saw the signs around age 3, and she started kindergarten as a girl. Mom has been stressed, of course, and we are having trouble finding a community of trans children and their parents. I think shielding my young kiddo kid from the world as much as possible (she's just 6, after all), but it's impossible to shield from everything.
I'm seeing parents with young trans kids kind of left in the dark. Elementary schools' LGBTQIA groups aren't very active, as the LGB part isn't yet as overt (though I in no way discount the experience of understanding gender identity and/or preference at a young age, for anyone...)
Are you aware of resources for parents of young trans children? As an ally, I'm choosing to go loud and proud with stickers, posts, conversations, whatever. It is relatively safe for me to do so. The families of the trans children I know are afraid to do that, for good reason. Protecting the family is critical.
Anyway, if you have a crystal ball or know of resources I can help provide my peeps (there is a website in progress for this stuff so parents can access it easily), I would be in your debt.
Thank you so much for being open. Please forgive any bloops in wording. I used to work with trans youth (16-24) in my last job, and it didn't take long to see the toll it took on them. I would love to be a part of normalizing transgender lives - "nothing unusual to see here, folks, leave those kids alone ...". I make mistakes, but I learn from them and thank the person who educated me.
🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️🏳️⚧️
Cheri, hello! I, too, share your worries about trans kids and their families. My own trans kid is pretty resilient, but I worry about the toll it takes on him to grow up in a world that's hostile and sometimes even dangerous. It's definitely impossible to shield them, and to an extent they deserve to see the world as it is so that they can create new ways to solve those problems.
As parents, caregivers, educators, and supporters of kids, we also deserve support and resources. I highly recommend TransParent (https://transparentusa.org/) as an ongoing destination for the kind of support caregivers need as their children grow up. They offer online support groups, local chapters with their own resources, and a bunch of great tools on their website.
My own kids have LGBTQ+ groups that meet in their schools (even in elementary!). I didn't know this was a thing, but it turns out you can advocate for it at your own school just by talking to the faculty and seeing what kind of staffing and support they are willing to provide to their students. It's a classic "you don't know if you don't ask" situation. If you can believe it, our elementary group started because our son asked the social worker for it when he was 7. So there you go... they solve problems in ways that surprise us if we let them!
I would also be remiss if I didn't mention that I have an on-going anthology of works by and for trans families (https://transfriend.substack.com/p/for-trans-families-with-love) that is still open for submissions. I've tried to make it the lowest possible barrier so that everyone can participate, and we have a lot of great contributions already. If you or someone you know would like to submit something, please do!
This is so helpful.
There is a "Rainbow Club" at her school, but it consists of two trans kids. Nobody else came to the last meeting. That could be fear;it feels like forever, but things are just starting and people are getting their bearings. That's my sense, anyway.
I agree we shouldn't completely shield kids from the realities of the world. However, I think early childhood, before age 8 or 9, we may do them a disservice by giving them world issues they cannot yet influence. I'd rather see kids get a good grounded sense of who they are and how to manage trolls, regardless of form. Just my general thoughts. I am an educator but not a parent, so there are many things I can hypothesize but not know for certain.
I want to add, again, how much I love this thread. I need this thread!
Cheri, I'm so happy you came here to share your thoughts and feelings. I love this thread, too! Maybe I'll make this a regular feature so that we can always keep the door open to ask questions and find answers together.
Hello Robin! I appreciate you making this space for us. My question is as follows: What topics do you wish we'd ask you about?
Hi, JM! I've see a great range of questions here already. I'm a little surprised that nobody has yet asked anything about how to start writing, how to build and grow community... that sort of thing. But maybe everyone feels good about those topics already? But really, seeing so many wonderful questions already really warms my heart!
If you have perspective on building physical community, especially, I'd be all ears. I'd love to have trans kid/youth gatherings, for example. I don't know if that is safe now, but it will be at some point.
I'm also interested in thoughts on parent support groups. Perhaps that's in the link at transparentusa.org - that's on tomorrow's agenda!
I'm used to slipping into a system, not making one.
It's most often useful to leverage existing community where that's possible. So definitely take a look at TransParent (they are growing, too) and PFLAG, and any other resources online or in your local area.
Creating community in person can be extremely difficult for a few reasons, and I'm thinking here about how far apart some folx may be, our level of trust attending groups where we don't know others, and also chronic illness or disability preventing us from meeting folx in shared spaces. I find it easiest to start in online spaces and then begin connecting the dots between locations of members in that group. These days it's helpful to really vet someone before you meet them in person.
But don't underestimate the power of creating a group yourself, even one that will meet in person. My son asked the school social worker if they could start a group for trans and gender-diverse kids, and that's exactly what they did. We've since had his friends from that group, including their parents and siblings, over for pool parties and barbecues at our house. Even small steps like that can make a big difference in our lives.
Hi Robin, thanks so much for this. I love the Q's and A's I've read already here.
I was wondering if you'd be willing to share what it's like to be supported in your transness by your wife (and kids.) For me, my partner is very supportive of my identity but I still have a frequent fear of being a burden. What is it like for you to be trans in a relationship?
I failed to address that burden item you mentioned... Transitioning while in a relationship means having some aspects of ourselves become shared "properties" (I mean this in more of a data sense, like characteristics). Me coming out as a trans man really messed with my wife's identity as a lesbian. It absolutely shifted how my kids talk about "their dad" to others. My transition is my own, but it also includes renegotiating those relationships with others, and it does sometimes feel like I'm a burden because of that.
Thinking about uprooting my family and fleeing the country because of my transness also feels like my transness is to blame for our fear and potential instability. I'm working through those feelings slowly. It's not easy.
Ooh, I like this question a lot!
Being supported by my wife has made all the difference in my survival and my ability to thrive. She was the first person I confided in, which is a special kind of trust. I know without hesitation that she will always listen, that she is personally invested in my happiness and safety. To be loved for who I am in this way is profoundly beautiful.
My kids accept and celebrate who I am so easily that I envy their unburdened freedom of love and joy. We talk openly about gender expression, learning to listen to others, and leading with kindness. They give me hope in our collective future as humans.
I wish everyone had this kind of love and support in their lives.
Hi Robin, I just wanted to ask how old you were when you knew that you were not a girl?
Charlotte, sadly there are multiple answers to that one.
I knew when I was about 6 or 8 that I was not a girl, but I felt that being a boy was too far out of reach for me. So I wished for there to be a third gender I could be. To this day I will never know what I might have chosen if I'd been given options at that age.
By 12 I knew, with crushing certainty, that I was "different," and it felt utterly isolating.
At various points in my youth and early adulthood I brushed up against gender boundaries, and I was frequently mistaken for a boy, even though I really did not look like one. These moments were liberating but I also secretly carried a lot of shame because of my response to them.
It wasn't until I was in my early 40s that I entertained the option of maybe being nonbinary. By 43 the illusions were gone, my egg cracked (a trans term meaning the moment when we realized who we are), and I knew I had never been a girl, nor could I continue to pretend.
Thank you, Robin. I'm just glad that you are able to be your authentic self.
My friend, there are so many many questions, but I'll leave you with two (one fun and one heavier)...
1) What garden vegetable (or plant) do you feel most connected to and why?
2) I'd love to hear about how you're navigating conversations about what's happening in the country (particularly to the trans community) with your kids. How do you decide as a parent what's "developmentally appropriate" for them to know when it comes to potential/real threats, crisis preparedness, etc (and I understand this would look different for everyone, to varying degrees)? My partner and I are really grappling with the enormity of this.
I love you, Sib, and thank you.
K byeeee! 🫂🩵🩷🤍
Oh I like both of these!
1. It's very tough to choose, because there are so many delightful garden plants, and because I'm terrible at choosing only one. That said, I find I am quite partial to the humble carrot. They come in many shapes, sizes, colors, they sweeten when left to overwinter, the tops are also edible and fun to tickle my face with, and they are just as good raw as they are cooked. And bonus, if you leave them for year #2 (being biennials and all), they will delight the tiniest of bug pollinators in your garden with a spray of sweet flowers high upon a lofty stalk. All that from a humble root veg.
2. This answer is way harder to put together. The real truth is that I have not clearly figured it out, and so my wife and I endeavor to keep the conversational door open to our kids' questions and thoughts.
2A. As a queer, binational family, we certainly feel the importance of telling both kids that we, as a family, have done many hard things together. And we will continue to do them--together. So no matter what happens, we will always be a family, we will always support one another, and nothing will tear us apart. Kids deserve security in the simplest things, like knowing their family members will still be there, physically and emotionally, even when the world is a scary place.
2B. Explaining to kids that some people are mean or hurtful is hard to do, but they know more than we expect. After all, they're in school with kids whose families say cruel things, and those kids say the same stuff on the playground. I often wonder if I shouldn't do a better job of explaining how this world might crush them, if given the chance, and then, often without warning, one of my kids will help me see that they are not afraid to be kind, to care for others, and to be authentically themselves no matter what. This reminds me that our children will be the ones in charge someday, and that leaves me with a resounding feeling of hope.
2C. It's worth remembering that kids are smart and funny and playful and wonderful. We should celebrate those parts of them. We should trust them to handle big topics. We should ask them what they think and feel. We should let them solve problems, and we should catch them when they fall. And we should always, always say yes to hugs (and probably ice cream).
I will never look at carrots the same again! Your reflections delight (especially the tops tickling the face). The versatility, diversity and surprisability (?) from this humble vegetable does remind me of you.
And I appreciate your honesty, thoughtfulness and insights here about children in general. I think many parents are still figuring out what these conversations might look like, so keeping the door ever open seems key. And hugs. And ice cream.
My question is different, hopefully that’s ok. My mom sees me as the knower or all things LGBTQ+ simply because I’m a lesbian. I definitely don’t know all. Because our teen son has a close friend who is trans my mom also extended her expectation of my knowledge to the current EO regarding gender affirming care for minors. She wants talking points for her friends (she’s 80) when they express agreement with the EO. She understands the EO is wrong and bad, she wants to speak intelligently about why. Everyone else I know who could help me with this is so overwhelmed themselves (whether trans, parent of a trans child or otherwise eloquent person) either I can’t ask or I have and the response was “lemme get back to you” but they haven’t. Your offer to answer questions made me think I’d give asking you a try. Any thoughts appreciated!
Heather, I am so glad you asked this question! I will admit this is a really complex issue, and my answer will likely be just a starting point. That said, it’s also an issue I am deeply invested in. So, here we go.
1. The executive order in question is currently held at bay by a temporary restraining order (and now a preliminary injunction), so it is technically neither law nor required for any facility to follow its wording at this point in time. And whew! https://www.aclu.org/press-releases/federal-judge-blocks-trump-order-targeting-medical-care-for-transgender-youth
2. There are a lot of great articles that delve into the intricacies of the executive order and its impacts on gender affirming healthcare for minors (one such linked below). Bottom line, the EO rejects all commonly accepted scientific and medical wisdom, as well as the guidelines for providing the absolute best care for trans and gender-diverse youth. Supporting trans youth and providing gender affirming care to them is directly linked to decreases in suicidality. Beyond that, believing our children when they tell us who they are is critical in helping them grow up to be healthy, resilient adults, and that should be reason enough to listen to them.
3. Even before Project 2025 became the script for the GOP to follow in this administration, it has been widely known that attacking the rights and medical care of children is an easier pathway to condemning all trans lives than by attacking adults first. Children lack agency, they have no political voice and cannot vote or represent themselves, and they are an easily highlighted “victim” to be protected for misdirected political reasons. It’s also really easy to get folx upset when you frame something with a title like “surgical mutilation,” which is intentionally inflammatory (and just plain wrong).
4. Ironically, this particular EO, and all of the laws similar to it, remove the authority of a child’s parents and medical providers to determine the best way to treat and support them. If you recall the sweeping anti-vax movement during the initial years of covid, there were a lot of voices calling for the right of parents to decide what is best for their children, and yet here the state (or nation) intends to do just that. I prefer to de-emphasize this part of the argument for myself as I firmly believe that even children are entitled to bodily autonomy, and, as a queer kid whose parents did not provide the best support to me, I understand that not all adults have the best interests of their child at heart when they make decisions.
5. Executive orders like this one create two additional harms that are absolutely worth highlighting. First, they frame the conversation and take hold of the narrative in incredibly harmful and disproportionate ways. Second, they scare hospitals and medical providers into preemptive compliance, which we saw almost as soon as this EO was presented. Many of those facilities have since returned to providing care for their patients, but real harm was done to many of those kids.
6. Anyone arguing against this EO or any of the other anti-trans EOs we have seen so far should highlight the fact that trans people should be the ones talking about transgender healthcare, transgender civil rights, and the needs of the transgender community. I appreciate you coming here to do just that, and I hope others will seek out our voices and our stories to better understand that we are humans deserving of our own representation.
7. For a really great breakdown of the EO you asked about, check out Erin in the Morning’s article here. https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/a-line-by-line-analysis-of-trumps-760
I appreciated the byline, "You've got questions, and I will make up answers This is a popular pastime on planet Earth." I enjoy reading creative writing. We look forward to more from you. Thank you, from a Trans Ally. Sending lots of love to everyone, from London, Ontario, Canada.
Thanks, Rob! I am so happy you're here.
This is so generous of you, Robin! I hope it goes well. How you going to keep this on the main page of Substack without it scrolling off? Does that have to do with AMA? I'm not even sure what that is.
Man, you are the opposite of me when it comes to gardens. My poor ass kills plants. They don't like me. If something happens here and I have to be out in the wilderness, my butt needs to find you or I'll starve out there 😆. I'm better with animals, but haven't had one in decades since I had to put down my 18-year-old cat/dog. I called her half dog because she responded to training like we did our dogs when I was a kid. Nobody told me I couldn't, so I did. 😂 She was only sneaky when I wasn't home.
But, Bravo for opening yourself up like this. I wish people would ask questions about us being trans, because they seem timid or afraid, even though there's lots of things they may want to know. 👊🏿
It can be hard for allies to figure out what is acceptable or not, I think. Spending some time reading for baseline knowledge is a good idea, but I think a lot of people don't think of that.
It shouldn't be a trans person's responsibility to be a permanent embassador, so it's nice to get an invitation!
Yes, trans 101 would be nice for starters. We get plenty trolls coming around asking about private parts & saying rude things, so Robin's invitation is genuine ... since he's opening himself up to that, too. That's one of those things you should never ask me, because it's inappropriate to ask you about yours. Right? 😁 Wait long enough, and we'll probably say something about those things without being asked. Build acquaintances with us, and we'll feel safe enough to go there. 😉
It does seem obvious that some questions are simply inappropriate. If someone came along and wanted to know all about the state of my vagina, I'd be very prickly.
Let me not be stingy and let you all join in that fun. So, she asked me if I had 'the' surgery because uh, um, duh, there's something there ... looking down at my crotch. I was in a booth. I stood up as much as I could, started gyrating my crotch at her, and I said, "Give me those digits baby, and perhaps you'll find out!" Her face turned bright red, and she ran away. She said, "Ray!!!!!!!!!!" while doing so. I started cracking up. She never said another word while serving me, never found out, and I got her later with another incident after she moved locations. 😂
Serves her right to ask a bold-ass dude like me what's in my pants. 🤣🤣 They asked her because they had an idea I was sweet on that woman. Yeah, but NOT THAT SWEET! Hahahahaha
I could ask about your boobs, too. HIGHLY inappropriate, but I seen dudes do that shit and strike out like a banshee. 😆
I think generally asking about body parts is not casual. Like you said, build a relationship.
I have to say, though, it doesn't really matter to ME. I care insofar as I want my peeps to feel right in their bodies. I don't know that I really need the details, though I am a curious person and would be all up for hearing about a friend's experience.
It seems like it should be common sense.
Unfortunately, nothing is common sense when it comes to being trans. It's barely that when it comes to being cisgender. I swear, I saw dudes do that in a general chat (decades ago), and they asked everything from panty-color to bra-size. They were straight dudes. I would laugh at them and tell them to ask non-sexual questions if they want to get to ladies like that. Those same women were talking to ME privately, because I treated them like people, not sexual objects.
There is casual sex. Plus dudes are notorious for crossing those boundaries. Not so much anymore, cuz women have men on the run from asking shit like that on the internet. Sometimes I mention that if I'm not having sex with you, why does it matter? That young lady, I was mildly interested in casual sex without a relationship, because I knew too much about her from her gossiping co-workers.
But when it comes to being trans, people are generally curious about the surgeries. They just have dumb ways of asking. At that point, I overload them with info that makes them squeamish. Hahahaha 😂 Not saying I would do that to you. Again, depends on how/what you ask. Since it's another stupid trope that we're mutilating our bodies, perhaps they want to know so they can erase that from what they 'think' is the truth about it ... for us.
🤣🤣🤣 Listen, it happens all the time, and people think they have the right to know what's in our pants. I have receipts ... especially this one restaurant who saw me transition. It's kind of funny because ole' girl, that 3 employees sent to ask me, ended up with a red face and running away from my table after what I did to her. 😂 She was Black, too. You won't see red on my face, but she was lighter than me. Hahahahahaha. Maybe I turn maroon? but you'd have to look closely. I don't embarrass easily, because I'm outrageous and bold AF. 😆
🎉🏳️⚧️❤️
Oh, AMA is just the short title for Ask Me Anything. And no, it won't stay on the main page. I'm fairly sure people know how to find me if they have questions anyway... 😂
If anything does happen, head my way and I will keep you well fed, sir. My garden is always producing something, even in the worst parts of winter.
I also want folx to feel like they can ask questions, even the hard ones, so that we can all move forward with some better understanding. You've definitely been a real leader in providing that opportunity, and it makes a big difference.
Oh, now I feel silly asking about AMA. It looked official or something. Hahahahaha. Well, it is official ... your officialism. And, I think much bigger than who already knows you. I think about who doesn't. It'll get done between the both of us. I'm all over the place, so people find me, you, and others by what I say in non-trans spaces. 😉
Love this! Thanks for your generosity, Robin 💙🩵💙 (blue appreciation)
Perfect guardrails!
This may be getting too personal, but my questions are: what has been the hardest part for you personally about transitioning, and what aspect has brought you the most joy and/or fulfillment?
Definitely not too personal. Those are excellent questions, Amy!
The hardest part has been learning how to build boundaries that serve me well. That's also been the most crucial aspect of my transition overall. There are so many things about me that did NOT change when I came out to myself and others as trans, but my desire to establish better boundaries was definitely an item I picked out early on. I grew up as a people-pleaser in an environment loaded with toxic behaviors and relationships, and unlearning those habits has been life-changing.
The most joy? Hugging, hands down, has been like waking up and finally feeling alive and whole, not just in my body, but in the ways that my body interacts with everyone in my life. And I would never have found that joy without top surgery. It is THE best decision I made early on.
Thank you, Robin! These answers make so much sense to me (not that they need to!). It seems having to find ways to put yourself and your needs first was going to be critical to living authentically. (Sounds obvious and also maybe true for most people, except cisgender folks have the privilege of not entertaining this kind of change if they don’t want to, it seems).
The joy answer makes ME feel joy for you! How liberating and sweet 🥹. I’d love to hear about other joys too, as your energy permits. Thank you for being so open with us and welcoming.
I'll add something to the 'joy' part to help brotha Robin out. For me, it was finding the missing link that was gone since I was 6-years-old. I felt so free. I was already genuine, but this upped that 1,000%. I had no clue what I was until I saw Chaz Bono on Dancing With the Stars. First time I heard of transmen. That is when it began. I fought it as long as I could, and when I embraced it, I felt an excitement I hadn't felt in a couple decades. My first year in transition was euphoria. I was 58. Then I saw how the country was hating on us (2016) and another part of me stepped up and took advantage of my male privilege. I don't have as much as the white guys do, but enough to make a difference in this crazy world. 💝
That must have been a simply incredible and unprecedented feeling to experience! Thank you for sharing that. This is why representation and visibility matter so much.
You're welcome, Amy. It WAS!!!
You, sir, are running a marathon with your influence. You don't give up. It is an impressive power that you have, and I admire you greatly for it. You're also a little stubborn, which is a fantastic quality!
Hahahahaha, Robin. Yeah, when you get to be 67-68, you'll be a little stubborn, too. Now I know what my parents experienced with me. I spent many years being a follower, doing almost everything I was told, and now as a leader & a bit old, I'm too cantankerous to care about the individual as much as I do the collective. Respect, sir.
How do you deal with snails in your garden? They're after my bulbs!
Gah! They are so hungry all the time! Because I have pets and wildlife around my plants, and because I care about the soil and critters I share my growing space with, I fully utilize the "hand pick" method. Snails are pretty easy, just pluck them up by the shell and deposit them in a more hospitable environment (like your neighbor's bulbs). Slugs can be dealt with the same way, just wash your hands for like an hour afterward, cuz ew. Slimy.
This does take some time and attention and regular upkeep, but it affords you the opportunity to spend some very close snuggle time with your bulbs. Who knows what you might notice while you're out there cleaning up the latest snail rave?
While there are a lot of products available to ward off gastropods in the garden, most of them are loaded with chemicals that persist in your soil or harm the fauna, especially all those great soil critters we depend on. And, as the second largest phylum in the animal kingdom, I think it's wise to make friends and not foes of your local mollusk.
Hi Robin. I don’t use poisonous chemicals either and I learned from a gardening class to try copper. I had a bunch of copper wire from some electrical work and I’ve made rings around some of my plants. Also, I bought copper tape and put it around the tops of any potted plants. Works really well. My biggest problem is earwigs around my dahlias. I use food grade diatomaceous earth while they’re just popping up and that works but you do have to reapply often. Once the plants are big enough, I don’t bother.
Copper is very effective, just also expensive if you don't have access to spare wiring. I also think it's very humane as it discourages slugs and snails but doesn't really hurt them. They can slime another direction.
And earwigs..... *Shudder* ew. They creep me out.
I hate those things with a passion too. Gross
I'm a no-poison gardener, too.
I have just a little piece of land under my care. I take that responsibility seriously!
Hi Robin: Is there a question, or questions, you wish more cis people would ask about? (Huge, I know, but if something bubbles up for you or others?)
That is a fabulous question, Michelle! While I don't have a single, specific thing that I would point to, I think it would be nice if there were more questions that alluded to trans people having futures worth exploring. So maybe not "what do you want to be when you grow up," but at least something in that vein that indicates a sincerely held belief that we deserve to age, to grow old, to have lives, and to be human.
Oh Robin, yes! Is gardening something you hope to pursue as a career or side hustle? Or is it more of a need or hobby or simply what you soul calls you to do — with bonus food? And also what is one wild dream you have for yourself in the future? For example I had a daydream of a stone terrace with a vine covered pergola and a group of friends of all ages around me… I think it might even be in Europe. Not specific enough to be a goal, but something or some future you steer yourself in the direction of it coming true?
Once upon a time I wanted to be a farmer. I think I'm still acting out that dream even on a much smaller scale. My friends and neighbors think of me as a tiny CSA for them, because I always fill up their hands and cars with produce when they visit. My garden is a literal safe space for me. I could not live happily without it.
Ooh, a wild dream? Well you asked... My wildest dream at the moment is to create an independent publishing company for books by, for, and about the trans and queer community. We have so many beautiful stories to share about ourselves, and I want to be part of making that happen. I'm already working on an early retirement plan for my day job so that I can get closer to making my dream a reality.
And I absolutely want to visit your gorgeous vine-covered pergola terrace!!
Maybe you’ll be there launching a(nother) book? You’ll be welcome anytime, terrace or no.
Who is your favorite trans writer?
Gail, that question is EPIC!! I will attempt to do it justice, and I may have to return to add what I miss the first time around.
For trans history, nobody can compete with Susan Stryker. Her work is absolutely some of the most important, pivotal accounting of our history that I have found (though this is largely the history of trans people in the United States moreso than globally). And her writing just also happens to be incredibly good!
Tobly McSmith has two teen fic books out with transmasc main characters that do an incredible job with delving into their thoughts and feelings in ways that we typically don't see in other fiction books with trans leads.
S Bear Bergman is maybe the funniest, most heartfelt writer and speaker I can think of. He also offers great takes on parenting.
Alok Vaid-Menon is the royalty of the quotable phrase, but their longer form writing is also the kind of thing that takes hold of your internal organs and shakes them up.
I
could
go
on...
“Alok Vaid-Menon is the royalty of the quotable phrase” - omg, YES they are!! Like, James Baldwin-level erudition on the reg. Totally amazing.
Thank you for sharing these!
Oooooh this is soooo juicy-good! Now I have all of these folx on my list of "to read" thanks to you. If you think of more, please share...no such thing as too many writers lol!!! xo
i want to ask you eeeeeverything! let’s get tea sometime? but in the meantime - what is feeling life-giving for you right now? what is supportive of your writing practice?
You started with tea, and that makes me so happy! Did you know that I grew chamomile blossoms to make my own tea last summer?? Yes, it tasted great, but it was so joyful to snip and dry those tiny flower heads, then to store them safely in a jar, and THEN to pour them into a cup with hot water just to watch them bloom all over again!!
So I think it is safe to say that growing things feels life-giving now and pretty much always for me. It's grounding (was that a bad dad joke?). It makes me feel like I know my place in the world. Bonus, most of my plants are not mean to me--maybe just some of the prickly things like the gooseberry bushes have short tempers and come out stabbing all the damn time.
The #1 thing that supports my writing is reading. When I pick up a new book at the library or happen upon an article someone has shared with me, I feel the little webs of connection fire up in my brain, and then there's a spark of interest and exploration that makes me want to jot down a thought. Books are pretty amazing like that, eh?
i was so delighted by this answer that i forgot to respond! ah! home-grown chamomile blossoms and books and plants that aren't mean to you. YES. thank you, friend.