Answers from a Trans Friend
from last week's AMA, a few Q&A's to share
Last week I opened up an Ask Me Anything thread for all of you to bring your questions to. There’s even an anonymous option for anyone who wants to ask but not be visible in doing so. You all asked some really great questions! I know that it can be scary or intimidating to ask these things, but you were very brave about the things you brought up.
Today I’ve chosen a couple of questions to highlight for the whole community. Note that I’ve removed any identifying characteristics to protect the identities of those who asked questions. If this was your question, you might notice that I reworded or changed it slightly. In some cases I may have also blended together some similar questions that were asked. When you opt to use the anonymous form I created, you also have the option to request an email response from me, which is where some of these discussions started.
And if you’re interested—or suddenly inspired—to ask a question, that form is still open for your input through next Wednesday, March 19, at which point I’ll close it. Look for future AMA opportunities right here by subscribing.
Question – What are your thoughts or feelings on dandelions?
Answer – I honestly can’t believe people grow them intentionally to eat them. Edible dandelions are a thing. They’re in the seed catalogues I get every year. How did this happen?!? They’re a weed! And people pay for seeds? Okay, I know I know, there are different cultivars, but a dandelion by any other name is still a dandelion.
One the other hand, they are excellent for making wishes, especially wishes for your neighbor’s yard to look less perfect.
Question – Is surgical transition a painful process? Is recovery from surgery complicated? Do all trans people want surgery to feel more like themselves?
Answer –
Not all trans people want surgery, and not all of us can get the surgeries we want. That might be due to a lack of funds, no insurance coverage, or medical conditions which prohibit us from specific procedures or challenging recoveries. It’s important to know that no one needs to have surgery or change their body in order to “be transgender.” We are who we are without needing to change a single thing about ourselves. Deciding to have surgery is a way some of us affirm our appearance, the function of our bodies, or the ways in which we interact with the world around us.
Top surgery for me was a difficult recovery, but my surgeon provided me with a great topical painkiller that held off the worst of the pain for the first few days post-op. Other aspects of the recovery were far more challenging, like the restriction in lifting my arms no higher than my shoulders for the first 6 weeks. It's also really hard to depend on someone else for all of your care for the first week or two, and I'm very lucky to have a wife who cared for me so well. My hysterectomy was actually a more challenging recovery for me, physically, and pain management was part of that.
The surgeries some trans people undergo can be very complex to recover from, and they often require us to have someone in our life who can provide a lot of care and support. But the ways in which we feel affirmed or experience a huge decrease in dysphoria makes this process less scary. It's definitely a big decision for any person who chooses to undergo any procedure in order to feel better inside their own body, but I know from my own experience that it is absolutely worth it. While our bodies heal, we also often contend with emotional changes and growth, changes in the relationships in our lives, and redefinitions of our identities. These are big things to undertake. They are life changing!
One of the most important things we can do to bridge the gap between ignorance (and the hatred it inspires) and community is to ask and answer questions about ourselves. For each of you who stepped up boldly, here or through my form, to ask a question, thank you!! You’ve helped others get the answers they needed, too.
If you know someone who might have a question they’d like to ask a trans person, point them my way.
Your trans friend,
Robin
I'm a bit less up to speed on question number one but, as you know, question number two started out as very broad.
Another aspect that most trans people would likely recognize is that the answer to what you desire as part of your "transition" can be incredibly fluid. For a host of reasons, something (surgical or otherwise) that you once might have thought you never would have wanted can become something that is critical to your identity.
The process for me has been more of an evolution and revelation than a transition. A transition feels like something with a beginning and an end. Personally, I couldn't have ever guessed that my transition would take me to some of the places it has taken me, that I'd meet and connect with some really incredible people and that over time I'd develop the strength to handle it all. I never want to stop exploring whom I really am and the full richness of life again.
I'm often asked if I could do my life over, would I want to come back as trans? Unequivocally and emphatically YES! Next time, I'll make sure that I get off my frightened, nervous butt and start enjoying my life 40-50 years sooner than I did this time around!
When my transman family member decided to transition, they gave me literature to read plus I found sites that answered my many questions. I also started following a few transmen folk on Instagram (like pink mantaray). I’m no longer on Instagram but am happy to have found you, Robin, here on Substack.