Writing Memoir Ain’t Easy

When I first came out as transgender, I did what so many of us do; I looked for someone else like me. I searched the webverse (or The Tubes, as my mother calls it [yes, she means YouTube]), I looked for blogs, I scoured the local library for books. And – to be fair – I did find a lot of stuff.

Here’s the short list of what I found:

• Videos of young guys in their 20s or 30s who had known they were trans since childhood.

• Excellent books on transition experiences from young guys who had transitioned in their teens or twenties.

• Lots of references and groups for young people looking to start their transition journeys.

Id est… nothing like me.

Here’s the list of what I didn’t find:

• Videos of guys in their 40s who were just starting to transition.

• Blogs by guys who transitioned later in life.

• Books written by guys who had birthed children and transitioned afterward.

This is important to admit – Those people all exist. I’m not the only human who has gone through transition later in life, who wasn’t keenly aware of his transness at an early age, who stayed in their marriage through their transition, who birthed kids when they were female-presenting. And yes, I eventually have found several other such men like me. I firmly believe there are actually a lot of us out there, we’re just quiet and unassuming, and there are so few places for us to find one another that it’s daunting to do that work on our own.

And so I decided to write a memoir of my experience.

I needed someone’s voice in those early days, some reassuring sense that I would be okay, that I could survive this huge thing I was facing. And I felt very much alone in that process. What I wanted more than anything was to pick up a book or find someone making their own videos or podcasts who was enough like me that I could see myself in them. As many great writers, creators, speakers, and authors as I have found in the last few years, I still have not yet found that person.

I guess that’s who I need to be then.

My memoir is about my body, a trans body in all its parts. There are so many things in my transition that I did not expect, both overwhelmingly joyful and awash with grief. Being objectified by others has been a focal point of many of my experiences. Writing about my body puts the intention and tone of that objectification back into my hands. It is where my beauty as a transgender human begins and begins and begins (you didn’t think I’d say “ends,” did you?). This offering of vulnerability to all of my beautiful transgender siblings is the gift I needed to receive, and so I will write it to myself, to them, to you.

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I’m starting to notice that I write about writing more than I ever expected to, and this post is no exception. Talking about writing a memoir seems like a common enough theme on Substack, too. I find myself amongst many accomplished authors, carefully watching from the sidelines with my fellow lurkers who have yet to be published, paying attention like so many other wishful (or hopeful) artists-in-the-making.

I have asked questions of others to help guide me in this process.

I’ve read up on writing memoir.

I’ve taken a few deep breaths in preparation.

With all of that, here is where I’m at in the process as of now:

I have set aside time for myself in the new-year-to-come to begin writing my first draft. Someday I’ll come back to this moment and tell you how I made it possible, what I had to sacrifice, and I’ll even tell you the reason for all the secrecy around that time I’ve created. For now, I think it’s probably best not to reveal that level of detail. Creating space and time for writing isn’t always an easy thing to do, especially when you’re the sole income earner for a family. But that time I’ve created is sacred, and I’m desperately protecting it from all things that would creep in to absorb it.

I’ve made a simple outline of the chapters I’d like to include. Along with them are the feelings I hope to capture. If you know much about me, this should seem like a very atypical way to overanalyze a project. Feelings are so… subjective. And difficult to feel. Alas, I didn’t set out to write something easy. And those feelings are the most important aspect of what those chapters need to say.

I am telling others what I’m doing. Some part of that is accountability, but it’s more important for me to ask for support. It takes work for me to ask for help, but that’s a place of growth I’m exploring. And now I’m saying it here, too, that I’m about to take on a big writing project, and I’d love to have your support.

I’m working to find and build the community my work belongs to. You are a part of that by being here, which is why I’m sharing this here first.

Even if you’ve never helped someone write a book before, you can leave me a comment of support or encouragement.

Share this post and this newsletter – For our trans and cis siblings and friends out there, give them the gift of connection.

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Thanks for sharing in the joy of this with me. I’m so glad you’re here for it.

Your trans friend,

Robin