On Failure

And also that really mean little voice in my head that comes up with stuff like “on failure” as a title

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Good intentions are important. But this year things got in the way, and I think my final NaNoWriMo word count was something on the order of less-than-800-words. Let’s face it – that’s pretty disappointing. To put it into perspective, the goal of NaNo is to write 50,000 words. Last year I churned out something like 83,000.

I’m trying to justify my ability.

I’m trying to say that I can do this.

But the reality is, I failed. I did not meet my goal. I didn’t even come close.

When this kind of thing happens to me, that little voice in my head starts saying some pretty cruel things – things that paint me as a failure, things that chastise me for setting an unreachable goal. You should know better. What were you thinking? You’re not a writer anyway. Look how you couldn’t prioritize this thing you say you love to do. You failed.

Maybe you hear a similar voice in your own head. Does it have unrealistic expectations of you? Does it only ever point out your flaws? Does it take hold of your delicate feelings and drag them down with criticism?

If that voice was a person, we would tell them to take a hike. We would know that those words are toxic and extremely unhelpful, and we would figure out how to shut them off. We would stop answering the phone when they call. We would hide with the lights off like when the window salespeople come knocking at the door. We would ghost them.

Hey you, nasty little voice! Here’s something you should know. Sometimes our goals have to change, and being able to roll with the punches is an important life skill. Let’s take a look at what happened when I wasn’t writing that novel…

• I ushered in a major software upgrade at work that was more than a year in the making

• Staffing in my workgroup alone dropped to 66% (which means 2 of my 5 coworkers was out of the office for an extended period)

• I made it home for dinner every single night of that upgrade, even after putting in 12 to 14 hours some days

• We (my wife and kids and I) celebrated by heading off to a waterslide holiday for two days

• The oldest dog ate a pound of chocolate while we were gone

• My mother had an emotional breakdown (playing the part of the drowning person) and I answered the phone (playing the part of the life guard getting pulled under)

• The check engine light came on in the car (again)

• The dishwasher let loose a flood on the kitchen floor (hey, don’t forget to clear the garbage disposal before you hit run, okay?)

And even though that’s a lot of things in a month that isn’t yet finished, I also…

• Got some rest

• Felt a lot of joy on those water slides

• Played several great board games with my wife and kids

• Let someone else cook dinner for Thanksgiving

• Leaned on my friends for love and support

• Made plans for another mini-vacation in the spring

And that little mean voice isn’t invited to any of that cool stuff.

Take that.

The writing? That novel? It’s still inside me somewhere, and when it’s ready, I’ll be ready, too.

If you recently took on a lofty goal like NaNoWriMo and didn’t achieve what you set out to do, I get it. And I’m still proud of you. Don’t stop setting goals. Just don’t beat yourself up too hard if things have to change.

Your trans friend,

Robin

PS – Yes I am a writer. Fuck off, little voice.