Longing
Pride on the Page Day #18
Each of the mini-essays I’m publishing for the month of June are part of a creative challenge to share joy during Pride. You can find out more in the link below. You can even participate, if you’d like!
Wild Lion*esses Pride from Jay
18. Longing
It has taken years, and the process is far from over, but I’m finally closer to imagining what my childhood would have looked like had I been allowed to be a little boy back then. There’s a longing within me to feel those things, to feel a sense of belonging within my body, to feel less alone in who I was and who I am now. Most of all, I long to feel like I knew who I was, and this question—this confusion over the identity I might have claimed as a child—may be forever unresolved inside of me.
What would I have done, at the age of 6 or 9 or 11, if someone had told me it was okay to be a boy? Who would I have grown up to be if I could have believed all along that I was real, that I didn’t need for someone to grant me a wish or decode the rules in order for the little boy I was to exist?
This longing is infinite and powerful. It has been a constant companion, and I’m comforted to know it kept me from being alone this whole time. Sometimes it gives me permission to explore those same memories through a different lens, through reimagining myself, and it lights my way through those dark questions.
Can you see that little boy I was? Does he look real to you, too?
Your trans friend,
Robin
Robin, Beware those who say, "I understand", if they are not themselves transitioned. I empathize of course but I cannot imagine what it must feel like to have gone through the pain of growing up like you did. I can say that I am pleased you found peace and hopefully the rest of the world will continue to have a better understanding of and attitude towards what you went through. Fondly, Michael
I see a mischievous boy there!!
My ex of 16 years shared similar experiences—they once didn’t have a change of clothes, so the cis-guy friend lent his undies to them. It was the first time they put them on, and it felt right.
The perfect fit.
Longing for fits like these! There’s wisdom in the pain here: on my end it makes me feel it’s possible to integrate parts of one self, experience by experience, choice by choice until everything in one’s body, heart, and mind folds in.
I do not know your experience nor the magnitude, but I see the power of how you make & shape reality.
One thing non-trans people can do is see people as they proclaim.
Nowadays, I don’t ask, “What are your pronouns?” Me as a gender-expansive won’t settle here, so I know to ask other genders, “What are your preferred adjectives?”
They’ll cry out:
handsome,
gorgeous,
pretty,
sexy,
cute,
the gamut. Then I start to see the smiles that come from an inner radiance.
I can see why cis folk are afraid of trans folk—you’re wizards, sorcerers, warlocks, witches, and magicians who alchemize heart, mind, body, and soul.
Sure it’s woo, but I see power here.