I am putting me first for the first time

In other words, I’m not going to tell you the parts that hurt or what went wrong. But I will tell you what I’m doing about it.

The first sunflower of the year in the garden.

This feels funny, like my feet don’t know how to take steps on their own. I remember watching both of my children learn to walk, and I see them now, so confident and fearless at the notion of falling. I envy the certainty of that trajectory and wonder if I will be so lucky, if my mind and body have that same natural ability to flex and move and learn.

This ain’t no bubble bath. Or soak in the hot tub, which still makes me feel bitter grief. No, self-care isn’t what that magazine in the checkout line said it would be. Some parts of it feel the opposite of rewards like chocolate ice cream and a snuggle session with my favorite movie. It feels stark and cold and slightly terrifying, and not just for the unknown, but for the exposure, for the need to trust in myself in ways I have never felt capable of doing.

But I’m still making it happen. I’m putting myself at the top of the list. I am my own priority.

This doesn’t mean I won’t be up in the night with a sick kid doing my best to soothe him. That’s still happening. We all lost some sleep that night, but comforting him lends to my own sense of comfort, and we both needed it.

This doesn’t mean I’m ignorant to how my wife is struggling to handle everything that has been thrown at us. I see it, and I care deeply. The connection between us is being tested, and self-care means engaging there, too. That part is so hard. It requires being open, being vulnerable, and I suck at it.

But I’m still there.

This also doesn’t mean I’m abandoning my responsibilities. Maybe that’s the biggest misconception about self-care, that we need to let go of everything and focus solely on ourselves. But we are tangled together with others, with places and people and timeline outside of ourselves, and that connection feeds a part of my spirit that needs to stay engaged. They are all tethers, pulling gently, showing me where I fit and belong.

When we are children we do things one at a time. We paint. We climb trees. We read. And our lives are only bound to our caretakers, to our small world. And as we grow, so does our world. So does our capacity to hold many things at one time.

But to be first, to be important, to be cared for by oneself? It’s not always a limit on what we can handle or a cap on our attention span. It doesn’t have to be a sacrifice. Maybe it’s trying out a new boundary. It might be learning to say out loud the things in your heart. It’s trust in yourself. For me it’s absolutely asking for help and believing I deserve it.

I do.

So do you.

You don’t have to be perfect at it. You can learn with me. I’m new at this, too.

Beach trips for my family typically involve my kids skipping ahead with a sand bucket or kite, me slowly following, chairs and sun shelter and picnic basket and backpack full of books and treats neatly slung over my shoulders. And that’s the perfect order to the world. With my shoulders loaded, my ears full of the sounds of laughter and the waves crashing against the shore, the brush of my wife’s hand as she walks alongside me, I am first, and they are first, and we are in this beautiful moment together.

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Being a transgender human is a test of everything I possess, and I’ve been through some very difficult moments lately. While I share much of that here, know that there is so much more that is not published, but that it feeds me while it also demands much of me. That is also only a portion of who I am, as is the case for any of our identities. Being a human requires us at times to step back and examine the whole, to listen to our bodies, to remember that our emotions require care, too, and to keep those we love wrapped up in our care.

The community growing here is no exception to that list. I’ve come to know and care deeply about many of you, and I’ve found some amazing friends by asking the world to read my words. Thank you for showing up, for listening, and for being who you are.

Now spend a moment and think about how you can put yourself first. Bubble baths and chocolate ice cream don’t have to be the only answers, but they’re not bad ones.

Your trans friend,

Robin